Hey guys 🙂
Today I want to discuss the art of lying. No, not so you can become a better liar but so you can spot one.
We have all told a white lie here and there…if you try to tell me you have never told a lie, the truth is, you’re lying.
It is human nature to fudge the truth a bit in order to spare someone’s feelings or avoid petty conflict but if you add up enough of these little lies it can quickly snowball out of control.
But today, I am not talking about the little white lies we are all guilty of telling. I am talking about the compulsive, pathological liar.
Many of us are being lied to right now and don’t even have the first clue it is happening. This is because the brand of liar I am talking about is a seasoned veteran. In many cases, said liar actually believes their own lies and this my friends, is the most dangerous liar of all.
I am going to tell you what to look for so you can avoid being a victim to lies.
First, we have to address the core reason for lying and ask the question “why?” in order to understand said liar. There is one main reason to lie –
To avoid the consequences of truth. Simple enough right? But it goes much deeper than that.
Are you ready to go down this rabbit hole?…Ok, let’s begin!
Low Self Esteem:
Most likely, the person in question is suffering from low self esteem. They are stuck in denial about what is actually happening (or not happening) in their lives and would rather lie to themselves and others to avoid confronting the real issue at hand, which in many cases is quite painful and brings shame. Who wants that?
When we think of low self esteem and what it looks like, many of us picture that person with the hunched shoulders, who stares at the ground with the quiet voice and cares little about their choice of attire but that isn’t who I’m talking about today…
A lot of us assume that the narcissist has deep rooted self esteem issues and toot their own horn to compensate for lack of self esteem but this is where things get a bit tricky.
You see, the narcissist may have deep rooted psychological issues at their core but they actually believe they are as good as they say they are.
The narcissist believes in the idealized version of themselves that they present to you. They have the answers to all of life’s questions and they are more than happy to share whether you asked or not. They come off as arrogant, nothing is their fault, and they feel they are superior in intelligence compared to you and most people.
The narcissist rarely follows through with agreements and obligations. They may at times even admit they are wrong but the truth is they are paying lip service in order to get you off their back. They don’t truly believe they are wrong so they take on the role of being the “bigger man” in order to make you believe they have emotional maturity and you are in fact the one lacking it.
Along with narcissistic behavior, we discover a plethora of personality traits that bring us deeper into the psyche of a liar.
According to Támara Hill, MS, LPC from PsychCentral.com there are certain personality traits that make a person more likely to lie.
She lists 13 in fact-
Certain personality traits where pathological lying may occur include:
- Narcissism or self-centered behaviors and thought patterns
- Abusive attitude
- Obsessive, controlling, and compulsive behaviors
- Jealous behavior
- Manipulative behaviors
- Socially awkward, uncomfortable, or isolated
- Low self-esteem
I highly recommend reading the rest of her article. It is an excellent, 6 minute read and jammed packed with valuable information you can use to protect yourself. I will share the link below:
6 Subtle Characteristics of The Pathological Liar
So who else are we dealing with besides the the narcissist?
First, I need to make it clear that the sociopath and psychopath are not one in the same. The main difference being, the psychopath has no conscious whereas a sociopath path does have a conscious (although weak) and knows that what they’re doing is wrong yet do it anyway.
Now that we have an idea of the personality traits we are dealing with, I can share with you some of the tells that give away a liar nearly every time.
You hear about micro expressions in particular but today I am going to bypass that because most of us just don’t have the time or desire to be that detailed…at least I don’t! So here are some plain as day signs to look for:
Pathological liars have mastered this art form. If you hit them with the truth be prepared to have them switch up the subject pretty quickly or make the conversation about you. They are good at lying on demand so to simply come to them with evidence of the truth will not phase them as much as you think. Remember, they like this game and are willing to play it for as long as it takes to win.
Liars Stay Calm:
Almost too clam in fact. They want to be the one in control so they take careful, calm, manipulative jabs at you to stir up your emotions as a way to once again, deflect and make this about you.
Once they have you riled up they will say things like “you’re crazy!” This person will do anything to protect their lie, so they are more than willing to dish out low blows.
Do your best to fight fire with fire by staying just as calm, but know what you are up against because the liar does not quit…they can’t quit because they need to keep their story in check so they deflect to buy time to get their lie back in order…On that note, I recommend you read…
The Swiss Cheese Story:
The liar isn’t perfect and they are bound to fumble at some point. Pay close attention to what the liar is saying and compare it to past stories. Question the liar on this and you will see their mood change rather quickly. They go from being calm and smug to angry and annoyed…if you look really close you can see the steam coming out their ears as they angrily formulate more lies.
At first, the liar will have the answers to all of your questions and please note how quickly the answers spu out. Just like a boxer will let his opponent tire and then knock him out in one punch, you need to do the same with the liar.
Start connecting the dots and question the ones that don’t make any sense. Keep questioning and you will start to see the liar is running out of answers and once again deflection comes into play yet the liar will still not admit defeat…trust me…
Liars overcompensate and exaggerate their version of the truth. The liar will over use phrases like “trust me” and “I swear” or they will start to question you…”What? You don’t believe me?”
Insult To Injury:
When the liar realizes you are not quite buying what they’re selling they will act insulted that you would question their oh so honest ways. Don’t be surprised if you hear the phrase “How dare you!”
The reason a pathological liar is skilled at what they do is because they know how to mix a little bit of the truth into their lies in order to make the lie more believable. It’s always a smoke and mirrors show designed to keep you guessing and doubt yourself.
How do I defeat the liar?
Simple answer? You don’t but I will give you some simple advice that lets you know you are not in fact going crazy like the liar wants you to believe.
Less Is More:
Do not get into a war of words with the liar. Listen to the liar first and foremost as they will reveal something to you…their lie.
The liar will talk, and talk (especially the narcissist).
As they talk, they will add in all kinds of unnecessary details to answer your questions (which they cannot stand) so keep your lips zipped and your ears open. The more silence you provide the more the liar is put off and feels the need to fill in the gap.
Trust Your Gut:
You may not have all the pieces or concrete evidence but your gut is very sensitive to BS so always stay in tune with that gut feeling because it knows before you do most of the time.
In closing, do not beat yourself up if you do happen to let your emotions get the best of you or you discover you have in fact been taken on a ride of lies. What goes around comes around and even the Bible has some choice words for the liar…
For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.
Take Care & God Bless ❤