I haven’t written anything here in a month. Why? Because I have been dealing with an episode of bipolar depression.
In the last few days, this depression has started to lift. I am starting to feel more like myself but prior to that I was anything but.
Since I finally have the urge to write, I have decided to point out something that I don’t think everyone fully understands –
Depression is not just about feeling sad. It’s really not.
I would like to explain my recent experience with bipolar depression in particular to give people an inside look. I finally have the words to express myself so here it goes…
Depression crept up on me. It’s sneaky like that. I don’t experience depression all the time but when I do, how it effects me and the people around me is a dark hole of limbo that is hard to escape.
It is my hope that if someone reading this is struggling, they can be rest assured they are not alone and there is hope. I promise. ❤
In the last few months, life in general has been a series of low blows with a sprinkle of light at the end of the tunnel. Enough to get by.
I found myself saying “Things will be OK” repeatedly. I try my best to see the silver lining in everything but you can only take so many hits. You have two choices in that moment. Fight back or shut down.
I shut down.
Eventually I was adopting a robotic approach to life so that I could keep my head above water, get out of bed, get dressed and go to work. That’s pretty much it.
Funny, when I go to work I somehow manage to turn on a smile and you would never know I was in the throws of depression. In fact, even I didn’t know at first.
The robotic smile makes sure I can pay my bills. It makes sure I am not a complete waste…but it’s limited. That smile can only do so much and by the time I get home there are no smiles left for the people that truly matter in my life.
As time passed, I found myself not leaving the house (I am an introvert as it is). I work night shifts as a hotel night auditor and so pile on even more isolation. Although I must say I do enjoy the quiet and my own company.
Not leaving the house soon turned into not leaving the bed. Not bathing. Zoning out while I played match 3 games on my phone. Sleeping excessively. Cutting off communication.
No more posts on Facebook. No more writing in my blog. No more prayers to God or going to church. No more communication with my family or friends.
Not sad. Completely numb and isolated. Slowly but surely creating a little bubble in my bedroom, curtains drawn and simply existing.
To experience no emotions but know in the back of your mind that you should is very surreal. You start to wonder if you are in touch with reality at all. Is it a dream? You know it’s not but it’s like this dark cloud. A fog that you start to fear will never lift…except you don’t care. You really don’t.
You’re plagued with guilt and disgust. You know you should do something about it but all the life is gone…in fact you start to wonder about life and if it’s even worth it.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful soon to be husband. He let me have my space at first not fully understanding what was happening but when he saw it was too much he started to gently nudge me out of bed…suggested things like a shower. Not in a mean way just simply to help me feel better. Sometimes it helped a little but I would soon retreat back to bed.
One day (God love him) he managed to actually get me out of the house and took me for a drive to nowhere in particular. It was a beautiful day and he simply just wanted to be with me and experience daylight.
Gradually, I started to try a little more. Not much but it’s something right? Still closed off and not knowing how to express myself I tried to be a little more present and then one day out of nowhere while my fiance sat by my bedside just to remind me he’s still there, I finally opened up. I am not sure why or where it came from but suddenly for the first time in weeks I had tears and once that happened I did not stop.
It felt good to cry. Finally something. An emotion. A flicker of a human being again.
My fiance relieved I was finally starting to come back to him, let me cry…and cry. He hugged me with no words and that’s all I needed. Things had meaning again.
The guilt of being so self absorbed in my little bubble and denying access to those I care about most hit like a ton of bricks but once the tears stopped, I realized I am loved and things really will be OK. I am worth it. I always have been and the dark clouds don’t last forever.
If you’re reading this and you relate or know someone going through the same thing. Please don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself. Friends and family, don’t give up on them.
It does pass. It will pass and I can assure you that you are worth it. People do love you. God loves you. Hell, I will love you if you need it. ❤ Just don’t give up.
So that’s my story. I wonder did I spill too much of my guts. Probably but truth be told, I don’t care and finally it’s for the right reason.
Take Care & God Bless ❤