The Adventures Of Medication And The Little Mermaid

Hey Guys 🙂

Today I am going to share the tug of war I have sometimes with taking medication for bipolar disorder.

For the purpose of this post and basically all of my posts past and future, I say bipolar disorder because honestly, it’s easier to say that than give you my official diagnoses which happens to be…

Bipolar 2 Disorder with Rapid Cycling, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and “Borderline Tendencies”…

Tell me if that mouthful makes for good small talk haha…

I haven’t been receiving medical treatment all that long but in the close to 4 years that I have been receiving medical treatment, I have been on 6 different medications (a fraction compared to some) in an attempt to find the right combination/dose.

There is a lot of trial and error in trying to find the balance and I am not going to candy coat it…it’s not a fun process…at all… to the point you start to regret your diagnoses even though there is a sense of relief that you finally know what’s going on with you.

Once you find the right medication and dose however, life starts to get easier and you are more eager to commit to the routine.

It has only been in the last year that I have truly started living my life in a healthy, predictable way and part of that is because of  the right medication…right so far anyway.

At the time, accepting the fact I would have to go on medication for the rest of my life was like admitting huge defeat.

I was that person who barely touched an Advil unless I was having a massive headache. I have never liked taking medications of any kind for as long as I can remember.

Now I basically have no choice…well technically I do, but remember the official diagnoses back there? Tell me if you want that version of me walking around with no medication…

Didn’t think so.

I do my best to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing because honestly, I don’t want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me and I for one don’t want to feel like I have to hide my mental illness like some big ugly secret all the time.

Having a sense of humor in this regard is not to downplay mental illness but it certainly helps me to cope with it…medication in this case is not a cure all .

For example, medication can’t fix the times when I start to convince myself that I don’t need to take medication anymore.

This phenomenon seems to occur during times when I feel stable. This is when things have the potential to get dangerous believe it or not because when you feel stable for a long enough period of time, you simply feel “normal” and you start to believe that perhaps you are past all that bipolar/medication crap…you’re not…so not… but the mind is indeed a powerful thing and in some cases people make the mistake of foregoing their medication altogether which opens up a whole other can of ugly worms that trust me when I say…you don’t want to deal with.

Thankfully, at this point I know better but the urge is still there sometimes. It’s not always easy to come to terms with the fact that I have to take medication basically for the rest of my life in order to function properly…like everyone else.

It’s interesting because I feel like if I was taking medication for heart disease, diabetes etc, I would not feel any shame in that or even question it but when the illness is in your brain…well…your identity is wrapped up in that so it’s not like oh there is something wrong with my heart or my pancreas…no…there is something wrong with my brain…aka me.

For 30 years, I thought the life I was living was “normal”. I knew in my gut things were messed up but regardless I built my identity around what now feels like one big giant lie.

Who was that person? Who am I now?  I’m 33 and just starting to find out what life is like when it’s relatively stable.

Believe it or not, having stability in my life has been the most difficult of all to accept. All I have known is a life that consists mainly of words like chaos, abuse, survival, depression, anger, drama… the list could go on but I think you get the idea.

When you live a life with an untreated mental illness, chaos is all you know and then suddenly with the help of medication…

The noise stops…

That is “expletive” scary.

If I could make a comparison, it’s like when Ariel goes from having a mermaid tail to having legs.

From having a beautiful voice to having none at all.

That’s where I am on this journey right now.

Medication has given me the chance to see what life is like on land but I have these new legs and barely know how to use them…I still think a fork is a comb and now I am being told it’s an eating utensil!?…you don’t just simply accept that when all you have known is otherwise. I can safely say without the help of medication, I would not even have the remote chance of knowing a better life for myself.

I know there are some who slam medications like the ones I take. That “Big Pharma” is just trying to numb the world and eat your paycheck in the process.

I will admit, to a certain extent I agree and before my diagnoses I would have been at a protest rally for that belief but when I look back, my life before medication was a giant mess…when you don’t want to live anymore…I don’t know…medication doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

Suicide from my personal experience is not about wanting to literally die. You just don’t want to live the way you are anymore. You’re exhausted and feel like you have no options left. You just want someone or something to make it all go away.

So yeah, the day I went to my doctor and told them about my obsession with suicide they prescribed me an anti anxiety medication and I took it no questions asked. From there I finally started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me first and then ultimately a second one who concurred.

From there, Google became my best friend while navigating the medication highway.

We joke about the laundry list of side effects that scroll through the entire commercial of some lady riding a bike while smiling on a sunny day and we wonder why on earth would anyone take such a thing when the side effects seem worse than the condition itself?

I could never figure that out either.

But now I think I get it.

When I read about the side effects both short and long term regarding the medications I take, I have come to realize that statistically, I am more at risk by not taking these risky medications than I am for taking them.

Statistically speaking, I am more likely to die by my own hands sans medication.

Morbid but true.

So yeah, I have more or less accepted medication as a necessary evil in my life because I would like to experience my life with a little bit of peace for a change and like every good thing that comes our way in life…it comes with a price.

Medication will not fix everything but it’s instrumental in making sure I stay on the straight and narrow.

God of course plays a huge role in all of this and sometimes I wonder if taking medication for something like this is “ungodly” in some way but I like to think that God works through all of us including the people who created the medication that keeps me sane. Some may disagree but personally, I thank God I have medication in my life.

In closing, I do my best to take things day by day. With each day that passes I learn something new and I grow. It’s new and exciting but also unfamiliar and scary. I will stumble and fall in the process but just like Ariel, I will eventually learn to walk, use a fork properly and in the end, get my voice back. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

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Hi! I’m Cavelle. It’s Nice To Meet You!

Hey guys 🙂

So it’s been awhile since I have paid my “about” page any mind. If I am going to have a blog, it would probably help if people knew a little bit about me lol

So without further adieu, I share my “about” page with you. Perhaps I will get to know a little about you too!

(Wow that’s a lot of rhyming I didn’t plan for lol)

About Me 🙂

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

Back To Basics

Hey guys 🙂

Well this has to be a record. Three posts in 24 hrs. Reminds me of the good ole days when I used to have real blogging game. An SEO queen! lol but it’s not really what this post is about.

I’ve had quite the day. A rather emotional one. Some of it good. Some of it not so good. I feel like the devil got the best of me just a tad and so that’s why I have titled this post “Back To Basics” because when we lose our way and let people get the best of us, it’s exactly what the devil wants. He loves to see you fall apart and stray from your faith.

So what are we to do when that happens? It’s simple. Turn to God, and so that is what I am doing right now.

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have been up for 24 hrs now because for whatever reason, I always get one night shift where I just cannot sleep. Oh and did I mention I am staying late for a group work training session at 10:30 AM this morning? So instead of being done at the usual 7 AM I will be hanging around until then and from there I have no idea how long the training session will be…I feel tears lol

My days off are coming up soon though and next weekend my fiance and I are heading out on an overnight road trip. We desperately need this break and so I pray nothing gets in the way of that. We need this time and honestly, we deserve it.

I am going to try and take my own advice and just breathe. My mind has been racing today. I have not felt like myself and if  I can be truly honest, today has been a “bipolary” kind of day. Most days are fine and when they’re not I usually catch this sneaky beast but today it caught me. Not the worst it’s ever been. Far from it, but still sometimes it just sucks when you feel less in control than normal. Who likes that feeling?

All that aside, I just need to turn to what works in my life. God is at the top of that list. I just need to shake off the cobwebs and keep it simple. I am lucky that I have a supportive family and awesome cats lol. Aside from the basic needs like food and shelter, I’m set. 🙂

I have to do this a lot. Breathe and take inventory of what’s good and keep that list as uncomplicated as possible. It seems like I have to exercise this routine daily but it’s good practice and it works…at least for me it does.

So now that I am officially spent, I will close with this bible verse:

 

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

The Reason We’re Obsessed With Animals And Not God.

Hey Guys 🙂

In the age of social media, we probably read more stories and see more pictures of animals than ever before.

Why is that?

I don’t know the exact answer but I do have my own theory.

Besides children, animals are the most innocent creatures on the planet. In a world that seems to be going to hell in a hand basket, there is not much left out there that is pure.

I feel that many of us cling to the pure innocence of animals (and children) as a way to cope with the world we live in today.

Animals are God’s creation. One we can see and hear. It’s tangible and since we are mere humans, we can’t help but see and hear to believe.

I for one am a huge animal lover. I fully admit that. When I see videos about dogs for example that have been abused and nursed back to health I cry. When I see pictures and videos of animals doing adorable things, I feel warm and fuzzy.

Animals have been known to provide healing for those of us suffering from illness in multiple forms.

Animals love unconditionally.

That is my theory in a nutshell and now I want to take a detour on the subject…

If we can extend that kind of love and adoration to animals, children and the like, why is it so many of us turn our backs to God? Why are so many of us on the fence or not even close to the fence at all regarding His presence?

God is the most pure, most divine, most loving. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the healer. He loves us despite our sins. Animals are simply an extension of that in the physical form.

Everything we see around us – children, nature, animals. That is God’s doing! He knows the destiny of this earth. He understands more than anyone the suffering that the world endures now and that more is to come in the future. He has promised to deliver us from all of this.

We just have to believe.

So again, why do so many people turn their back with doubt and even spit at that notion?

Because we can’t see it. We can’t hear it but if you read the bible there are multiple accounts of  Jesus healing the literal blind and deaf through the power of God. They believed. They followed God’s instructions and they were healed and saved.

In fact, if you think God is not here in the physical form then in my opinion, you misunderstand that God is everywhere. You just have to open your heart. Stop thinking s assuming that God is a physical being. He is so much more than that. Quiet your mind and observe your surroundings. If you truly open your mind, heart and soul you will see God everyday.

God is the wind, the rain, the sun, the moon, the mountains, the ocean, the animals, the children…you have probably passed him on the street none the wiser.

He comes to us in all forms nudging us to acknowledge Him, to accept Him, to love Him as He does us…

Believe in Him.

We must trust God’s word and in an age where someone’s word doesn’t go far anymore, it’s understandable the doubts we may have that God is real and that He is coming back for us.

He is. ❤

So in closing, be careful when obsessing over God’s creation thinking it’s a separate entity and is in some way above God. Nothing on this earth is. Not even your own children for we here on earth are in fact His children. We are all created in His image and it’s time we start representing that more and more as the world grows dark.

Be the extension of God like the animals, nature and children. Embrace the purity, be the healer, the believer, the messenger.

Be obsessed with God in all that you do and you will see He is all around you always and forever. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

Fork In The Road

Hey guys 🙂

To my fellow bloggers, I have reached a point that I think every writer dreads. I am not sure what direction I want to take my blog.

I feel like I am all over the map. Do I really want to keep blogging about having bipolar disorder? Do I want to continue a Christian theme on top of it?

I’m not sure…

When I first started this blog I worked hard at it for 2 years. I had over 1000 followers and then I had a major life change. I was convinced I didn’t want to blog anymore and so I pressed the delete button…2 years of work…gone.

Some time passed and I realized I wanted to keep blogging so I started Mental Break In Progress from scratch and for the last year I feel I have fallen completely flat.

My blog used to have direction. A rather clear message but now I’m not sure what message I want to put out there and it’s frustrating. People used to be active on my blog. Conversations were the norm. Now I hear crickets.

Perhaps I have written myself into a corner. I read blogging tips and they all say to stick to a theme. Have a clear direction. Does it really have to be that way? What if I just want to talk about random things? I have seen very successful bloggers who do just that.

Sometimes I think because of the 180 I took in my life (for the better) I no longer relate to the person I was when I started this blog. I tried to keep the same theme going. I started the blog shortly after receiving my diagnoses of bipolar disorder because I needed an outlet and have always loved writing but I have grown so much since then.

I don’t have the dire need to constantly talk about it anymore yet I still consider it to be an important topic as I feel there needs to be open conversation about mental illness in general.

I’m at a point in my life where I have let go of a lot of baggage. I’m in a healthy relationship. A wonderful one. I am closer to my family than ever before and most importantly I have restored my faith. It’s stronger than ever. That being said, I am still kind of discovering this new me.

I see the silver linings. I thrive on the positive now. I don’t feel the need to rehash the trials of my past…but that was my writing mojo…ugh…think Cavelle…think!

The irony of it all is that I have more time to write than ever before. I work as a night auditor and so it’s pretty quiet with not much to do. I should be full of writing ammo.

I guess time will tell?

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

Letting Go Of “Daddy Issues”

Hey guys 🙂

I’m not exactly sure how I got to this topic but I think it’s one worth talking about.

The term “daddy issues” is usually directed towards women and their hot mess of past relationships…I should know, I would qualify as a women with said issues.

That being said, I don’t care for the term. It seems rather sexist in nature. A less than stellar father throws his daughter to the wolves and she has “daddy issues” yet it seems a man with the same type of father is extended some sympathy. Just my two cents.

The main point I want to make however is the fact that when the biological father dismisses his role it impacts the future of sons and daughters alike.

For example, my biological father was abusive towards my mother. Physically and emotionally. He was abusive in the same way towards me and my brothers. He cheated on my mother multiple times and ultimately his last cheating episode would be with my mother’s sister…yep…stay classy dad…

Oddly enough my father is still with my mother’s sister to this day and I can guarantee you she is being treated the same way my mother was…but hey she wanted him…she insisted on having him with no regard for anyone but herself…they deserve each other.

I have been home for a little over a year now and my father lives right here in this tiny town yet I have never crossed paths with him once…my brother had the “privilege”  of crossing paths with him at the mall one day…my father made brief eye contact and kept walking.

Despite this, I still wonder about my father. I feel that his current circumstances are a snowball of past ones.

My father had a very rough childhood. His father beat him, and when his mother ultimately left his father she would find herself  in a string of abusive relationships and would take my father along for the ride. No child should have to go through that.

Later in life, my father would be told he had what was then called manic depression. My father rejected this claim and never bothered to seek treatment. It’s unfortunate during that time, you still didn’t talk about things like mental illness.

I wonder what my father’s life would have been like if he had went ahead with treatment. At his core my father is not a bad person…he’s a lost one.

I have not spoken to or seen my father in nearly 13 years. I have a wonderful father figure in my life who I consider to be my father at this point. My mother managed to survive that whole ordeal and end up with a wonderful man. He’s wonderful to all of us and I have nothing but mad love for him ❤ It makes me happy to see my mother thrive after all she has been through. She deserves it and then some. ❤

That being said, I suppose I am somewhat traditional in nature. My father may have given up his title but he is still my father by blood. In between all the mess, my father and I did share some good times and I like to try and remember those little moments as opposed to all the negative ones.

I feel I managed to get some of his better traits. He is the type of man who will give you the clothes off his back. He used to have his own business repairing electronics and he was always good and fair to his customers. His people skills have always been through the roof and I like to think I inherited some of that.

My father is also incredibly smart…I like to think I got a little of that too.

He also introduced me to awesome music. Queen, CCR, Boston, Journey…the classics that I still love to this day.

Lastly, my father played an instrumental role in introducing me and my brother’s to God. We said our prayers with him at night. He would read the bible to us after supper. He was and I hope he still is, a firm believer in God and I sincerely hope God is watching over him.

I have to say both my parents play a part in my spiritual beliefs but I always felt like I had an extra bond with my father on that level.

I look at present day and I wonder when I will cross paths with my father again if ever. Perhaps at his funeral? Provided I even know about it. I know it sounds so morbid but when I do manage to talk about my father it’s always in past tense as if he has already passed away…

Fathers, don’t be a distant memory to your children. Don’t leave them with little moments that they will try to hang on to despite all you have put them through. Don’t let your past become your children’s.

I am not trying to take away the impact of a mother’s actions. It happens on both sides of the coin but there is something about a strong father including a father figure that is crucial to the development of a child. If you are a father with a difficult past, choose to rise above it and show your children what it really means to be a father. Be the one who breaks the cycle of abuse and start a new generation of healthy and happy adults…who will show their children the strong and awesome example you laid out for them ❤

Proverbs 20:7

The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him!

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link Party!

Hey guys 🙂

So I have not done this in awhile but I am in need of a good ole fashioned link party 🙂

I need to catch up with my reading and so I thought this would be the perfect way to do it.

Please feel free to share your posts here ( as many as you want) with me and I will be sure to stop by and visit 🙂

Who knows? Perhaps you will make some new connections 🙂

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle