Mania In The Moment

Hey guys 🙂

I hope you’re all doing well. ☺

Writing about what mania is like is nothing new. I have touched on it before but I have never actually written about it while experiencing it at the same time so today I want to give a true glimpse into my manic experience while it’s fresh.

For me, my bouts of mania are not nearly as frequent as they used to be. Things are more or less under control. I have bipolar 2 disorder so the mania for me fits the hypomania category. It’s less intense.

Usually…

The fact I can recognize my own manic state is something I never thought I would be able to do but when you manage to stabilize something like bipolar disorder you can start to see the symptoms of it a lot easier. Not always…it can kind of creep up on you but yeah definitely manic right now.

So how do I know? Well, it all started about two weeks ago when I got off track with my medication.

It started with strep throat and the antibiotics I took for it. It hindered the effects of my medication. Basically, it felt like I wasn’t taking any medication for my disorder but strep throat needed to go and so I just kind of dealt with it.

I felt “off” for days because of it but not so much manic at that point.

Then, I ran out of my medication entirely. It’s happened before but this time I just found myself busy and reeling from the holidays and illness. I simply forgot to refill my prescription at first. The medication I take, when you stop suddenly it’s not instantly noticeable. At least not for me and besides that, I take a second medication for generalized anxiety disorder which I believe helped make the withdrawal from the first medication less noticeable.

Then our town was hit with a winter storm. That delayed things further. By the time I did pick up my medication though, it was obvious I needed it. I got that foggy, can’t put a sentence together,  muscle spasm thing that I always get in my arms whenever withdrawal happens.

Basically I felt like a zombie.

I took my medication but forgot one tiny thing. I take Lamotrigine and that is one medication that you have to increase very slowly. It only has a half life of 24 to 30 hours approximately.

I forgot that fact and took the full dose when I technically had to start the dosing process all over again as if taking it for the first time.

The day I picked up my medication it was not even 9 AM and I insisted with my better half that I must go to the dollar store for craft supplies. This was because the night before, I spent half my night on Pinterest obsessing over mosaic art and crafts and was suddenly inspired and felt that I too must create such beauty.

I couldn’t even wait at that point to hit the dollar store. I started taking old cds and cutting them up, determined to make my mosaic masterpiece and that’s when I realized I had no glue…I tried making glue from flour and water (fyi it didn’t work) then I tried electrical tape…I could not wait it was suddenly very important.

Finally I did give up and stayed up the rest of the night. When the sun finally came up I started pestering my husband to take me to the dollar store.

We had to stop at other stores first and I was crawling out of my skin waiting for my husband as he browsed around. Normally I would gladly browse with him but this time I was snappy, rushing him and even felt anxiety and stress that he didn’t seem to be getting to the dollarstore fast enough.

When I did get to the dollarstore I beelined it for the craft section like a junkie looking for a fix.

I was in heaven. I suddenly had a million creative ideas and when I got to the counter to pay, I certainly went over that 20 dollar budget I promised I would stick to.

When I got home, I got down to business…and I didn’t stop. I spent the entire day crafting. I couldn’t stop looking at my creation and taking pictures of it…tweaking it until it was what I perceived to be perfection….this has been going on for the last two days and finally just started to calm down somewhat today.

Now I find myself here not being able to type about it fast enough.

No sleep…intense need to create and spend money on craft supplies…is that dangerous? No. Honestly as I read what I have written, I find it funny actually. Of course it’s funny. Everything is in this state. That’s another thing about mania,nothing can get you down…

What I know despite my mental state right now is things will come down. It’s already happening because that’s what always happens. The mania is never long term…sometimes I wish that it was because honestly it’s an awesome feeling. You have the energy 10 people drinking red bull and lightening focus, it’s  just it never lasts long enough to truly accomplish anything long term.

Mania is like a car salesmen getting you hyped up enough to buy an expensive sports car when you’re normally a minivan person but you fall for the pitch and you find yourself driving that sportscar as fast as you can and then just as you hit the highway the wheels start coming off and you have to pull over or crash entirely.

That’s what mania is in the moment for me…I will read this back to myself later and probably feel embarrassed I wrote about it but in this case maybe it will help someone understand mania or confirm it for someone.

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

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