A Christian With Bipolar Disorder (Extended Edition)

Hey guys 🙂

I was reading through some of my older blog posts this evening and I noticed one that keeps getting hits long after I wrote it so in light of that, I thought I would expand on that post.

If you’re interested in reading the older post, click on the link below –

A Christian With Bipolar Disorder

In that post, I discussed some of the personal challenges I face in regards to keeping my faith strong while living with Bipolar Disorder.

Honestly, I didn’t think it was one of my best pieces but as it turns out it received great responses and more people were able to relate to this topic than I thought.

Living with Bipolar Disorder certainly has its challenges and stigma. Add a dash of faith in God and the challenges and stigma easily doubles.

In the past, I have talked about the persecution of Christians in today’s society. Not just Christians but honestly anyone who chooses to believe in God. Those of us who believe know that as time goes on, that persecution is destined to get worse.

2 Timothy 3:12

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted…

Personally, I desire to live a godly life. Am I good at that? Not really if I’m being honest. I screw up all the time but one thing I can say with confidence is that I am a resilient person.

In fact, I believe people who live with mental illness have an edge in that respect. The internal battle mental illness can bring day after day…to the point some people would rather take their own life…and do… but there are also so many of us who have managed to survive that battle. In some cases multiple times.

I thank God for my survival. ❤

You know, I was reading some material about Freud and his take on religion. As if the balancing act was difficult enough, the father of psychology states that God is merely an illusion…

Image result for Freud

Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires…

 

It could be ventured to understand obsessive compulsive neurosis as the pathological counterpart of religious development, to define neurosis as an individual religiosity; to define religion as a universal obsessive compulsive neurosis…

 

 

The whole thing (religion) is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life… 

 

And my “favorite”…

I regard myself as one of the most dangerous enemies of religion…

 

It’s interesting to note that Freud was born in Austria to a large Jewish family. His nanny was a devout catholic who took him to church every Sunday. Aside from that, Freud fled Nazis persecution and died shortly before World War 2.

As I find with a lot of Atheists, they don’t believe yet are fascinated with the subject. In this case I feel Freud’s take on religion is entirely based on his personal upbringing. If religion was introduced from a young age and in turn rejected, there is a reason for that and from what I noticed, people who reject God seem to be bitter about something. I could be wrong but it’s something that has stood out to me over time.

Freud is indeed dangerous in this regard as he states himself. He is one of the most prominent figures in psychology. Most people take his findings/opinions as the “bible” truth.

As if the stigma of having a mental illness isn’t enough, we now have to deal with a man  who’s words carry much weight even to this day and work hard against the Christian.

Hmm, I wonder what words from men of the past also carry much weight even to this day.

The bible comes to mind but remember, I’m delusional so believe what I say with caution…

So let me get this straight, I have Bipolar Disorder and apparently an obsessive compulsive, infantile mental state on top of it simply because I believe in God.

There is more than one article out there that correlates religion and mental illness. This does not surprise me at all given the state of our current world. It’s much easier to write off Christians as mentally ill then to think maybe they have a point…or a brain for that matter.

This just ties in with the mass persecution I spoke of earlier. Most Christians simply want to live in peace. Most are not banging down your door trying to shove their beliefs down your throat. Most are kind and are not running around killing people over the matter and many (are you ready for this?) are not mentally ill.

In part, you can thank the media for promoting such stigmas.

It blows my mind that in a world that currently promotes and borderline forces you to accept all for who they are without question, Christians still get some of worst ridicule…and for what exactly? How can there be such a double standard?

Apparently, I can’t believe in God without my mental health coming into question yet I could certainly question the mental health of people who currently ride the massive accept all/no questions train.

 

Freud makes yet another quote which I will leave you with…

…Religion’s eleventh commandment is “Thou shalt not question”…

Interesting…

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Back To Basics

Hey guys 🙂

Well this has to be a record. Three posts in 24 hrs. Reminds me of the good ole days when I used to have real blogging game. An SEO queen! lol but it’s not really what this post is about.

I’ve had quite the day. A rather emotional one. Some of it good. Some of it not so good. I feel like the devil got the best of me just a tad and so that’s why I have titled this post “Back To Basics” because when we lose our way and let people get the best of us, it’s exactly what the devil wants. He loves to see you fall apart and stray from your faith.

So what are we to do when that happens? It’s simple. Turn to God, and so that is what I am doing right now.

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have been up for 24 hrs now because for whatever reason, I always get one night shift where I just cannot sleep. Oh and did I mention I am staying late for a group work training session at 10:30 AM this morning? So instead of being done at the usual 7 AM I will be hanging around until then and from there I have no idea how long the training session will be…I feel tears lol

My days off are coming up soon though and next weekend my fiance and I are heading out on an overnight road trip. We desperately need this break and so I pray nothing gets in the way of that. We need this time and honestly, we deserve it.

I am going to try and take my own advice and just breathe. My mind has been racing today. I have not felt like myself and if  I can be truly honest, today has been a “bipolary” kind of day. Most days are fine and when they’re not I usually catch this sneaky beast but today it caught me. Not the worst it’s ever been. Far from it, but still sometimes it just sucks when you feel less in control than normal. Who likes that feeling?

All that aside, I just need to turn to what works in my life. God is at the top of that list. I just need to shake off the cobwebs and keep it simple. I am lucky that I have a supportive family and awesome cats lol. Aside from the basic needs like food and shelter, I’m set. 🙂

I have to do this a lot. Breathe and take inventory of what’s good and keep that list as uncomplicated as possible. It seems like I have to exercise this routine daily but it’s good practice and it works…at least for me it does.

So now that I am officially spent, I will close with this bible verse:

 

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

Letting Go Of “Daddy Issues”

Hey guys 🙂

I’m not exactly sure how I got to this topic but I think it’s one worth talking about.

The term “daddy issues” is usually directed towards women and their hot mess of past relationships…I should know, I would qualify as a women with said issues.

That being said, I don’t care for the term. It seems rather sexist in nature. A less than stellar father throws his daughter to the wolves and she has “daddy issues” yet it seems a man with the same type of father is extended some sympathy. Just my two cents.

The main point I want to make however is the fact that when the biological father dismisses his role it impacts the future of sons and daughters alike.

For example, my biological father was abusive towards my mother. Physically and emotionally. He was abusive in the same way towards me and my brothers. He cheated on my mother multiple times and ultimately his last cheating episode would be with my mother’s sister…yep…stay classy dad…

Oddly enough my father is still with my mother’s sister to this day and I can guarantee you she is being treated the same way my mother was…but hey she wanted him…she insisted on having him with no regard for anyone but herself…they deserve each other.

I have been home for a little over a year now and my father lives right here in this tiny town yet I have never crossed paths with him once…my brother had the “privilege”  of crossing paths with him at the mall one day…my father made brief eye contact and kept walking.

Despite this, I still wonder about my father. I feel that his current circumstances are a snowball of past ones.

My father had a very rough childhood. His father beat him, and when his mother ultimately left his father she would find herself  in a string of abusive relationships and would take my father along for the ride. No child should have to go through that.

Later in life, my father would be told he had what was then called manic depression. My father rejected this claim and never bothered to seek treatment. It’s unfortunate during that time, you still didn’t talk about things like mental illness.

I wonder what my father’s life would have been like if he had went ahead with treatment. At his core my father is not a bad person…he’s a lost one.

I have not spoken to or seen my father in nearly 13 years. I have a wonderful father figure in my life who I consider to be my father at this point. My mother managed to survive that whole ordeal and end up with a wonderful man. He’s wonderful to all of us and I have nothing but mad love for him ❤ It makes me happy to see my mother thrive after all she has been through. She deserves it and then some. ❤

That being said, I suppose I am somewhat traditional in nature. My father may have given up his title but he is still my father by blood. In between all the mess, my father and I did share some good times and I like to try and remember those little moments as opposed to all the negative ones.

I feel I managed to get some of his better traits. He is the type of man who will give you the clothes off his back. He used to have his own business repairing electronics and he was always good and fair to his customers. His people skills have always been through the roof and I like to think I inherited some of that.

My father is also incredibly smart…I like to think I got a little of that too.

He also introduced me to awesome music. Queen, CCR, Boston, Journey…the classics that I still love to this day.

Lastly, my father played an instrumental role in introducing me and my brother’s to God. We said our prayers with him at night. He would read the bible to us after supper. He was and I hope he still is, a firm believer in God and I sincerely hope God is watching over him.

I have to say both my parents play a part in my spiritual beliefs but I always felt like I had an extra bond with my father on that level.

I look at present day and I wonder when I will cross paths with my father again if ever. Perhaps at his funeral? Provided I even know about it. I know it sounds so morbid but when I do manage to talk about my father it’s always in past tense as if he has already passed away…

Fathers, don’t be a distant memory to your children. Don’t leave them with little moments that they will try to hang on to despite all you have put them through. Don’t let your past become your children’s.

I am not trying to take away the impact of a mother’s actions. It happens on both sides of the coin but there is something about a strong father including a father figure that is crucial to the development of a child. If you are a father with a difficult past, choose to rise above it and show your children what it really means to be a father. Be the one who breaks the cycle of abuse and start a new generation of healthy and happy adults…who will show their children the strong and awesome example you laid out for them ❤

Proverbs 20:7

The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him!

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The “What If” Train Stops Here

Hey guys 🙂

I hope you are all doing well. ❤

It’s the wee hours of the morning and I’m at work with some time to kill. I love the night shift. This is my favorite time to write so it’s a nice work/home balance!

I was kind of struggling with a topic to write about earlier ( go figure, nothing but time and I can’t think of  something to write about) but I have finally decided to talk about the “what if” we all dwell on at times and why it’s important to not get stuck on that train.

 

When I look back on my past, I cringe…not as bad as I used to but it still happens. That being said, I don’t regret anything about my past. It’s cliche I know, but my past has shaped me into the person I am today.

The only thing that haunts me at this point is the “what if” that lingers sometimes.

What if I had received my bipolar diagnoses earlier? I most likely would have hurt less people including myself.

I most likely would not have bounced around from job to job, unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, spending money I didn’t have on things I really didn’t need like booze. I probably would have established roots as opposed to moving all over the country.

When I look back I can say “Hey! That wasn’t me!” but at the same time…that ticking time bomb was me.

I try very hard not to use my mental illness as a crutch or excuse for anything but I am finally getting to a point where I can look back and see that a huge part of the chaos and dysfunction that is my past was in fact part of an illness I was not truly aware of at the time.

This doesn’t mean I can simply write off my past actions. I have slowly but surely accepted the role I have played in my past. A hard pill to swallow. Harder than the ones I swallow now haha. I still have things I need to work on but don’t we all?

I was 29 when I received my bipolar diagnoses. I am 33 now and I feel like it’s only now that I am truly starting to live a healthy, stable life. It’s a relief and I am grateful.

But to be totally honest with you, I still have a slight, bitter taste in my mouth over the fact that nearly 30 years of my life was spent in total chaos and destruction. You can’t help but feel a little ripped off in the game of life.

I try not to hang on to that though. I know it’s not healthy. You can’t beat yourself up forever. I believe it’s never too late to be a better person and I have managed to more or less forgive myself for a lot of things. Still working on it.

Given I have only been in the post diagnoses stage for 4 years now, I have to give myself some credit. In the span of 4 years ( going on 5) I have had to relearn how to live a “normal” life. My brain was wired one way and it did nothing but damage. I would say this has only truly leveled out in the last year if you factor in the inital diagnoses, over a year of trial and error with medications, so so therapy and still in the process of weeding out unhealthy relationships at the time.

Fast forward to present day and I think the one thing I am finally ready to do aside from forgiving myself is fully accept the fact that I am mentally ill. When I first found out, I was relieved but you haven’t really accepted your fate at that point. A diagnoses does not solve the years of damage done. Receiving a diagnoses is the tip of the iceberg.

Then the real work begins.

I make a point to live in the moment (it doesn’t always work by the way but I try). I don’t drink like a fish anymore. I have reestablished my faith in God. I have found a wonderful man who offers true love, understanding and strength. I am finally in a position to reciprocate that. So I guess the only “what if” I need to look at now is…

“What if I stop reliving my past?”

There are always two sides of a coin. You can choose to torture yourself  with past mistakes and wonder what if or you can choose to be thankful that you are not your past in this current moment. The past is the past. It can’t hurt you anymore…so what if you choose to rise above it? I believe it’s never too late for that.

The best thing you can do for your well being and the well being of those you care about is to stay present. Forgive yourself. Learn from your past but don’t relive it. If  you do, you will:

  1. Never escape the past
  2. Miss out on the here and now
  3. Sabotage your future

 

It does not have to be like that. Forgive yourself for the damage done. Take comfort and credit for the fact you are standing here today when you could have just given up… Acknowledge and accept the people who truly care for you. They are not judging you for your past….you are…stop that ❤

This process does not happen overnight so be patient and gentle with yourself. None of us are perfect and we all have a sorted past. I am not about to compare who has it worse in life but you get the idea.

Know that you are standing here today for a reason. Perhaps a portion of your life was misguided and painful but while you still take a breath on this earth, make the most of it. Don’t let the past follow you around and creep into the progress you have made today. If you dig deep enough you will always find progress…in fact simply making the effort to acknowledge progress…is progress 🙂

The best tip I can give you is to take inventory everyday of the good in your life. The tiniest amount of good will do. It adds up and eventually overpowers the negative. So far this has been working for me. It helps me pause for a moment and take control.

If you believe in God. Pray…pray all the time ❤

If you’re reading this and you can relate just know I feel you and I am rooting for you. ❤

I hope you will do the same for me 🙂 ❤

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

 

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Persecution Of Today’s Christians

Hey guys 🙂

Long time no post but today I have to let this out because it’s been eating at me for awhile now.

I am not typically one to make waves but when I feel like my morals, values and beliefs are being stomped on simply because I won’t conform to certain mainstream thinking, I find it hard to sit back and let it happen.

Our current world preaches love, acceptance, free speech, self expression and unity…a global joining of hands. Yet as a Christian, in today’s society, I feel I might as well be burned at the stake for what I believe in and identify with.

My fellow brothers and sisters, this should come as no surprise. We are warned in the Bible that this would happen. As we prepare and wait for God’s return, we will be persecuted for what we believe more and more each day. It’s already happening at an alarming speed.

2 Timothy 3:12 

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,

We are being pushed into a global agenda that claims we should all accept the other for who they are, what they are, who they love, yet somewhere along the way, the Christian community got left out of this equation.

As a Christian, it seems as long as I am willing to shut up and put up with mainstream opinion, it’s Ok to be Christian. If I speak out, or promote an opinion that does not line up with the majority, I am unaccepting, unloving, unreasonable. I am a bigot, evil, selfish, ignorant, intolerant and the list could go on but I think you get my point.

One agenda currently at the front of it all is the transgender movement. Along with this movement, there is a genderless movement. Some people are identifying as aliens (no joke)

Just recently, the first birth certificate with no gender identification was issued right here in Canada. What has the world come to? It’s one thing to ask kids to decide which gender they most identify with before their first year of school, (which I don’t agree with) but to not even give the child a choice either way?

A new born child. They will never know or understand what it means to be a man or woman or even switch that role if they so choose. The parents made the decision of genderless for them before the child’s first words!

Where do we draw the line?

In other Canadian news, Nemis Quinn Mélançon-Golden of Montreal is an 8 year old drag queen. His parents (is it Ok to attach a gender label on this? I’m never sure anymore…) help him prepare for his shows.

I am going to tell you something…

At one point in time, I surrounded myself with many gay friends. I still have friends that are gay but what I am saying here is different….I was very much entrenched in the culture and lifestyle although not gay myself, I felt accepted in a time where I felt I didn’t belong anywhere and I don’t have any regrets there but I draw the line when you start putting kids in very adult and explicit situations.

One of my friends at the time was a drag queen. I used to go to shows thinking it was all great fun but after awhile you start to see the dark side of the drag community.

It’s derogatory in nature. If you think women are the stereotypical “catty” types, hang out with a drag queen for a day…or watch Rupaul’s Drag Race and listen to the insults and competitive low blows fly. It’s not completely exaggerated for TV folks, it is an accurate portrayal of a day in the life of a drag queen. At least from what I saw when I was around it.

The clubs I would go to were riddled with drugs and alcohol and yes most clubs are whether or not it’s a gay club. My point? You think it’s cute to encourage your 8 year old son to dress like a prostitute, be exposed to drag culture and perform provocative shows because “that’s who he is” Do you honestly know what you are exposing your child to? At 8 years old, does your child really know who they are?

No child on this planet should have to be exposed to explicit, adult content. This is not an innocent game of dress up. If you have seen a drag show it’s R rated at best. Highly sexual and explicit in nature yet the world rejoices as this little boy finds his identity as a drag queen. Aww, how adorable… This sounds more like child abuse to me.

In saying all this, I still come out of this the bad guy in most people’s eyes. Why? Because I don’t agree? I don’t have to agree. Just because I don’t agree does not make me a hater.

I am not interested in hate and this post is not about hate but if an 8 year old boy gets to be a drag queen and that is adored, encouraged and accepted then as a 33 year old woman, I am allowed to be a Christian and talk about it openly. In fact, I can talk about whatever I want…can’t I?

It works both ways (supposedly). The double standard and hypocrisy that exists around these ever changing agendas and forced acceptance is mind blowing.

You can be anything you want. Literally anything. If I wanted to identify as a toaster right now I could and probably get my birth certificate changed to prove I am in fact a toaster…but a Christian? Oh no, anything but that! That’s just pushing things too far…

1 Peter 4:4 

With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you;

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Don’t Have To Believe…

But don’t be an ass about it…

Hey guys 🙂

Today I was inspired to write this post based on something I read today on my facebook newsfeed it reads as follows…

“I just wanted to interrupt your scrolling to remind you that you are beautiful…

Also God doesn’t exist.”

There was much delight and a mockery of replies just egging the issue on which was the whole point of the post to begin with…simply to rile people up and basically slap believers in the face as if we’re fools or perhaps crazy to believe in God.

Many non believers will say this more times than I can count….

” I respect your beliefs just don’t cram them down my throat”

In other words shut up with your “God” talk.

However this post had little to no respect for a person’s beliefs and decided to cram their views down people’s throats publicly with the intent to mock those who believe and to me, that is just sad.

I believe in God, there have been times in my life where I have seriously questioned his existence but despite that, given the things that have happened to me in my life, I have reason to believe He exists. That’s my prerogative and anyone’s for that matter who chooses to believe or not.

I am not about to stoop to the same level and mock atheists simply because they think my beliefs are a bunch of garbage but I will call out people who use their words with the intent to hurt and attack peoples values and beliefs whether or not they believe it is truly hurtful. In this case it appears the people who participated in that post felt it was all great fun, even joking about going to hell.

To each their own I say. Why can’t it be left at that? It’s total hypocrisy to call out people’s beliefs as silly when you claim to have none of your own yet you post plenty of things about yoga and meditation etc…good for you there is nothing harmful or wrong in that but if I wanted to be “that” person I could start saying your yoga and meditation is nothing but hippy granola lululemon BS…pretentious even.

To the poster, my point is if you are going to dish it out you better be prepared to take it. I am surprised given the love of yoga and meditation you still don’t seem to understand the concept of karma at the very least.

Did I have to write this post in response? Nope. But I wanted to write this post because I am tired of people hitting others where it hurts just for a good laugh.

That’s Ok… Keep laughing 🙂

Jude 1:22

And have mercy on those who doubt…

 

Take Care ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

Mustard Seeds To Mountains

 

Hey guys 🙂

I am feeling so blessed right now. It’s amazing how God answers prayers that you didn’t even know needed answering.

Since turning back to God nearly a year ago, it’s surreal at times how much my life has changed for the better. I have to say, aside from meeting my soulmate, going back to church has been a big part of this change.

Before that moment, you would not have seen me in church. I had no interest. In fact, I was cynical about the idea.

2 Timothy 3:1-5

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

Wow Timothy, brutal words my friend. I can’t say I was all of those things but it stings to read this verse and in hindsight realise, I was one of those people you should avoid. I have always had good in my heart but God was not at the top like He should have been. He was more like a pang in my heart that I kept shoving down.

Turning back to  God was terrifying for me at first. I was at a rather low point in my life but…

Sometimes-God-lets-you-hit-rock-bottom

It’s never God’s intention to punish us. We are His children and like any parent there comes a time when you have to let your children go out into the world and hope they will take with them all the lessons you have taught them. God has that same hope and he’s waiting for you despite all of your mistakes and shortcomings. You think this would be an easy concept to understand but it was difficult for me to accept.

When I started going back to church, I became painfully aware of my sins. It had nothing to do with people in the church judging me (a misconception I had about church). On the contrary, I was accepted with open arms…new territory for me. I had never had that kind of support before.

I spent the first few months of church crying nearly every Sunday. The whole experience was overwhelming. All the emotions I felt as I started to face myself for the first time, knowing I had brushed aside God’s love. My faith had been suppressed for so long. I felt shame and guilt but also an overwhelming release of negativity.

As time passes, my faith in God becomes stronger more and more each day. My church is beyond supportive of this relatively new journey. I don’t feel like I am walking alone anymore. There are people who are more than happy to walk with me and cheer me on. It makes me cry for a totally different reason now. Tears of joy for a change.

What a difference it makes when you let go of the people in your life that hinder your faith and in turn, surround yourself with people who are not ashamed to walk with God and actually want to walk with Him. It was a huge step for me to walk through the church doors knowing the last time I went to this church, I was a child.

Now that my faith in God and the support of my church is a constant in my life, there is simply no way I can turn back. I am hanging on for dear life and God is not about to let go of my hand…it reminds me of the first time I was able to swim in the deep end of the pool without having to cling to the edge. God is my swim coach. ❤

What I take away from this transformation is that God is willing to work with even the smallest inkling of His presence in your life. There are times I still have to give myself a shake and realize that no, I am not dreaming.

As you build on your faith, God starts throwing more and more blessings your way. Sometimes we think we have to pray for these blessings and yes, prayer is vital but God I have discovered, is a cool guy. He likes to throw out random blessings just because. Bonus blessings if you will.

That’s what God has done for me and my fiance recently. We’re getting married this summer. Sooner than we had originally planned for.

I thought planning this wedding was going to be stressful but the outpouring of support in my church has made me realise there are truly good people in this world who are ready, willing and able to help.

My fiance and I are not used to this and we don’t even expect it yet there it is right in front of our face and it’s been there the whole time. We just needed to get real with ourselves. Get real with God and be true to ourselves for a change instead of compromising with people who are so far removed from our core values and most of all our faith in God.

If I had one piece of advice for anyone out there on the fence about their faith, just know that God has left you a trail of mustard seeds to follow. These mustard seeds lead to a mountain and if you are willing to climb that mountain, God is waiting for you at the top. Sky’s the limit after that and when God returns, there is a place for you beyond your wildest dreams. ❤

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle