The Little Things

Hey guys 🙂

Today, I feel the need to take a personal inventory of what’s good in my life. Things are not bad right now, I simply just want to add to what’s already good. I like to build up those reserves for when the next storm hits. I prefer to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

So what do I have to be grateful for? Well, a lot actually. The last year has blessed me more than my 33 years of existence.

For starters, just over a year ago I finally put an end to an unhealthy relationship (there were others just as unhealthy prior to). This required a lot of inner strength that I didn’t think I had.

I was living on one side of the country and picked up and left for home on the other side of the country. It wasn’t planned, it just happened.

One day after a minor argument, my finance at the time went out. I don’t know what happened, it’s not like it was some blowout fight but for some reason in that moment there was an overwhelming fight or flight response. By the time he came home I had booked a plane ticket (I chose flight) and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I knew that if I didn’t follow through this time, it was going to be a long time before I had the guts to try again.

God was surely with me that day.

Needless to say I am grateful for that moment because as soon as I moved home my brother introduced me to his friend. My brother’s friend is now my fiance. This all happened quite quickly. I had no intention of finding love after what I had just left but isn’t that always the way?

I found out a little later my brother was playing the role of matchmaker. He knows my struggles well…especially in relationships and so I am glad he sneaked in there and helped me to find a good apple this time. 🙂

To finally be in a healthy, truly loving relationship is something I almost gave up on but when I was ready to let all of that go, God blessed me for it.

So yeah that’s what kick started a healthy, consistent, loving environment which I had been lacking for a very long time. It was scary at first. I wasn’t used to this healthy stuff and wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it lol but over time I embraced it and I continue to hang on to it with everything I got because I will never allow someone to take that from me again…including me! Gone are the days of self sabotage and you are talking to the former queen of it but I have since hung up my crown lol someone else can have it.

So yes moving on to present day, what do I currently have to be grateful for? Let me count the ways :

  1. God
  2. My wonderful soon to be husband
  3. My family/friends of course ❤
  4. A roof over my head, food, gas…you know the everyday stuff
  5. Did I mention the bills are paid? Take that bills! (for now lol)
  6. The cats<3. Truthfully I should have just included them in #3
  7. The church. Great pastor and wonderful people
  8. My job (there’s a first) love my job!
  9. Good neighbors and a great landlord.
  10. Country living…oh how I have missed home after 10 years of city living.
  11. Being the cool aunt. My fiance and I are fine without children personally but my nieces and nephews? Yeah don’t mess with them because you will see this aunt go from zero to mother hen in an instant.
  12. Standing up for myself (it’s been a slow process but it’s getting easier…almost fun! lol)
  13. My ability to express myself through writing.
  14. Giving myself credit (again, long overdue)
  15. Knowing I have a best friend in my partner. He truly is my best friend ❤
  16. A sense of humor. Although sometimes dark, my sense of humor has helped me survive a lot of crap.
  17. Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Yes you read that right. If I had never reached a place where I was aware of my disorder I would still be out there drowning in a dark sea. I believe knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle. Now that I know better I do better…I know, a string of cliches there but it’s all true.
  18. Being able to see the silver lining in just about everything. I will never let go of that. It holds a lot of power and gives me a sense of control. You can let stuff bring you down or you can counterattack with a list just like this.
  19. Patience. I always have that in my back pocket.
  20. Resilience. I can say this with confidence about myself and my family….we always get back up…always. We have God to thank for that and no matter what is going down in my life, God makes sure I can reach his hand. Even if he has to drag me along, as long as my hand is out he will take it ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

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A Christian With Bipolar Disorder (Extended Edition)

Hey guys 🙂

I was reading through some of my older blog posts this evening and I noticed one that keeps getting hits long after I wrote it so in light of that, I thought I would expand on that post.

If you’re interested in reading the older post, click on the link below –

A Christian With Bipolar Disorder

In that post, I discussed some of the personal challenges I face in regards to keeping my faith strong while living with Bipolar Disorder.

Honestly, I didn’t think it was one of my best pieces but as it turns out it received great responses and more people were able to relate to this topic than I thought.

Living with Bipolar Disorder certainly has its challenges and stigma. Add a dash of faith in God and the challenges and stigma easily doubles.

In the past, I have talked about the persecution of Christians in today’s society. Not just Christians but honestly anyone who chooses to believe in God. Those of us who believe know that as time goes on, that persecution is destined to get worse.

2 Timothy 3:12

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted…

Personally, I desire to live a godly life. Am I good at that? Not really if I’m being honest. I screw up all the time but one thing I can say with confidence is that I am a resilient person.

In fact, I believe people who live with mental illness have an edge in that respect. The internal battle mental illness can bring day after day…to the point some people would rather take their own life…and do… but there are also so many of us who have managed to survive that battle. In some cases multiple times.

I thank God for my survival. ❤

You know, I was reading some material about Freud and his take on religion. As if the balancing act was difficult enough, the father of psychology states that God is merely an illusion…

Image result for Freud

Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires…

 

It could be ventured to understand obsessive compulsive neurosis as the pathological counterpart of religious development, to define neurosis as an individual religiosity; to define religion as a universal obsessive compulsive neurosis…

 

 

The whole thing (religion) is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life… 

 

And my “favorite”…

I regard myself as one of the most dangerous enemies of religion…

 

It’s interesting to note that Freud was born in Austria to a large Jewish family. His nanny was a devout catholic who took him to church every Sunday. Aside from that, Freud fled Nazis persecution and died shortly before World War 2.

As I find with a lot of Atheists, they don’t believe yet are fascinated with the subject. In this case I feel Freud’s take on religion is entirely based on his personal upbringing. If religion was introduced from a young age and in turn rejected, there is a reason for that and from what I noticed, people who reject God seem to be bitter about something. I could be wrong but it’s something that has stood out to me over time.

Freud is indeed dangerous in this regard as he states himself. He is one of the most prominent figures in psychology. Most people take his findings/opinions as the “bible” truth.

As if the stigma of having a mental illness isn’t enough, we now have to deal with a man  who’s words carry much weight even to this day and work hard against the Christian.

Hmm, I wonder what words from men of the past also carry much weight even to this day.

The bible comes to mind but remember, I’m delusional so believe what I say with caution…

So let me get this straight, I have Bipolar Disorder and apparently an obsessive compulsive, infantile mental state on top of it simply because I believe in God.

There is more than one article out there that correlates religion and mental illness. This does not surprise me at all given the state of our current world. It’s much easier to write off Christians as mentally ill then to think maybe they have a point…or a brain for that matter.

This just ties in with the mass persecution I spoke of earlier. Most Christians simply want to live in peace. Most are not banging down your door trying to shove their beliefs down your throat. Most are kind and are not running around killing people over the matter and many (are you ready for this?) are not mentally ill.

In part, you can thank the media for promoting such stigmas.

It blows my mind that in a world that currently promotes and borderline forces you to accept all for who they are without question, Christians still get some of worst ridicule…and for what exactly? How can there be such a double standard?

Apparently, I can’t believe in God without my mental health coming into question yet I could certainly question the mental health of people who currently ride the massive accept all/no questions train.

 

Freud makes yet another quote which I will leave you with…

…Religion’s eleventh commandment is “Thou shalt not question”…

Interesting…

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures Of Medication And The Little Mermaid

Hey Guys 🙂

Today I am going to share the tug of war I have sometimes with taking medication for bipolar disorder.

For the purpose of this post and basically all of my posts past and future, I say bipolar disorder because honestly, it’s easier to say that than give you my official diagnoses which happens to be…

Bipolar 2 Disorder with Rapid Cycling, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and “Borderline Tendencies”…

Tell me if that mouthful makes for good small talk haha…

I haven’t been receiving medical treatment all that long but in the close to 4 years that I have been receiving medical treatment, I have been on 6 different medications (a fraction compared to some) in an attempt to find the right combination/dose.

There is a lot of trial and error in trying to find the balance and I am not going to candy coat it…it’s not a fun process…at all… to the point you start to regret your diagnoses even though there is a sense of relief that you finally know what’s going on with you.

Once you find the right medication and dose however, life starts to get easier and you are more eager to commit to the routine.

It has only been in the last year that I have truly started living my life in a healthy, predictable way and part of that is because of  the right medication…right so far anyway.

At the time, accepting the fact I would have to go on medication for the rest of my life was like admitting huge defeat.

I was that person who barely touched an Advil unless I was having a massive headache. I have never liked taking medications of any kind for as long as I can remember.

Now I basically have no choice…well technically I do, but remember the official diagnoses back there? Tell me if you want that version of me walking around with no medication…

Didn’t think so.

I do my best to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing because honestly, I don’t want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me and I for one don’t want to feel like I have to hide my mental illness like some big ugly secret all the time.

Having a sense of humor in this regard is not to downplay mental illness but it certainly helps me to cope with it…medication in this case is not a cure all .

For example, medication can’t fix the times when I start to convince myself that I don’t need to take medication anymore.

This phenomenon seems to occur during times when I feel stable. This is when things have the potential to get dangerous believe it or not because when you feel stable for a long enough period of time, you simply feel “normal” and you start to believe that perhaps you are past all that bipolar/medication crap…you’re not…so not… but the mind is indeed a powerful thing and in some cases people make the mistake of foregoing their medication altogether which opens up a whole other can of ugly worms that trust me when I say…you don’t want to deal with.

Thankfully, at this point I know better but the urge is still there sometimes. It’s not always easy to come to terms with the fact that I have to take medication basically for the rest of my life in order to function properly…like everyone else.

It’s interesting because I feel like if I was taking medication for heart disease, diabetes etc, I would not feel any shame in that or even question it but when the illness is in your brain…well…your identity is wrapped up in that so it’s not like oh there is something wrong with my heart or my pancreas…no…there is something wrong with my brain…aka me.

For 30 years, I thought the life I was living was “normal”. I knew in my gut things were messed up but regardless I built my identity around what now feels like one big giant lie.

Who was that person? Who am I now?  I’m 33 and just starting to find out what life is like when it’s relatively stable.

Believe it or not, having stability in my life has been the most difficult of all to accept. All I have known is a life that consists mainly of words like chaos, abuse, survival, depression, anger, drama… the list could go on but I think you get the idea.

When you live a life with an untreated mental illness, chaos is all you know and then suddenly with the help of medication…

The noise stops…

That is “expletive” scary.

If I could make a comparison, it’s like when Ariel goes from having a mermaid tail to having legs.

From having a beautiful voice to having none at all.

That’s where I am on this journey right now.

Medication has given me the chance to see what life is like on land but I have these new legs and barely know how to use them…I still think a fork is a comb and now I am being told it’s an eating utensil!?…you don’t just simply accept that when all you have known is otherwise. I can safely say without the help of medication, I would not even have the remote chance of knowing a better life for myself.

I know there are some who slam medications like the ones I take. That “Big Pharma” is just trying to numb the world and eat your paycheck in the process.

I will admit, to a certain extent I agree and before my diagnoses I would have been at a protest rally for that belief but when I look back, my life before medication was a giant mess…when you don’t want to live anymore…I don’t know…medication doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

Suicide from my personal experience is not about wanting to literally die. You just don’t want to live the way you are anymore. You’re exhausted and feel like you have no options left. You just want someone or something to make it all go away.

So yeah, the day I went to my doctor and told them about my obsession with suicide they prescribed me an anti anxiety medication and I took it no questions asked. From there I finally started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me first and then ultimately a second one who concurred.

From there, Google became my best friend while navigating the medication highway.

We joke about the laundry list of side effects that scroll through the entire commercial of some lady riding a bike while smiling on a sunny day and we wonder why on earth would anyone take such a thing when the side effects seem worse than the condition itself?

I could never figure that out either.

But now I think I get it.

When I read about the side effects both short and long term regarding the medications I take, I have come to realize that statistically, I am more at risk by not taking these risky medications than I am for taking them.

Statistically speaking, I am more likely to die by my own hands sans medication.

Morbid but true.

So yeah, I have more or less accepted medication as a necessary evil in my life because I would like to experience my life with a little bit of peace for a change and like every good thing that comes our way in life…it comes with a price.

Medication will not fix everything but it’s instrumental in making sure I stay on the straight and narrow.

God of course plays a huge role in all of this and sometimes I wonder if taking medication for something like this is “ungodly” in some way but I like to think that God works through all of us including the people who created the medication that keeps me sane. Some may disagree but personally, I thank God I have medication in my life.

In closing, I do my best to take things day by day. With each day that passes I learn something new and I grow. It’s new and exciting but also unfamiliar and scary. I will stumble and fall in the process but just like Ariel, I will eventually learn to walk, use a fork properly and in the end, get my voice back. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

Hi! I’m Cavelle. It’s Nice To Meet You!

Hey guys 🙂

So it’s been awhile since I have paid my “about” page any mind. If I am going to have a blog, it would probably help if people knew a little bit about me lol

So without further adieu, I share my “about” page with you. Perhaps I will get to know a little about you too!

(Wow that’s a lot of rhyming I didn’t plan for lol)

About Me 🙂

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

Back To Basics

Hey guys 🙂

Well this has to be a record. Three posts in 24 hrs. Reminds me of the good ole days when I used to have real blogging game. An SEO queen! lol but it’s not really what this post is about.

I’ve had quite the day. A rather emotional one. Some of it good. Some of it not so good. I feel like the devil got the best of me just a tad and so that’s why I have titled this post “Back To Basics” because when we lose our way and let people get the best of us, it’s exactly what the devil wants. He loves to see you fall apart and stray from your faith.

So what are we to do when that happens? It’s simple. Turn to God, and so that is what I am doing right now.

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have been up for 24 hrs now because for whatever reason, I always get one night shift where I just cannot sleep. Oh and did I mention I am staying late for a group work training session at 10:30 AM this morning? So instead of being done at the usual 7 AM I will be hanging around until then and from there I have no idea how long the training session will be…I feel tears lol

My days off are coming up soon though and next weekend my fiance and I are heading out on an overnight road trip. We desperately need this break and so I pray nothing gets in the way of that. We need this time and honestly, we deserve it.

I am going to try and take my own advice and just breathe. My mind has been racing today. I have not felt like myself and if  I can be truly honest, today has been a “bipolary” kind of day. Most days are fine and when they’re not I usually catch this sneaky beast but today it caught me. Not the worst it’s ever been. Far from it, but still sometimes it just sucks when you feel less in control than normal. Who likes that feeling?

All that aside, I just need to turn to what works in my life. God is at the top of that list. I just need to shake off the cobwebs and keep it simple. I am lucky that I have a supportive family and awesome cats lol. Aside from the basic needs like food and shelter, I’m set. 🙂

I have to do this a lot. Breathe and take inventory of what’s good and keep that list as uncomplicated as possible. It seems like I have to exercise this routine daily but it’s good practice and it works…at least for me it does.

So now that I am officially spent, I will close with this bible verse:

 

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

After Some Reflection…

Hey guys ☺

So my last post was heated to say the least and although I am not a fan of back peddling, I am a fan of self reflection. I have to admit my last post was emotion first and rationale second.

I have stated that as far as a theme for my blog, I am choosing to let my writing journey take me where it may. That being said, I always aim to promote positive thoughts and my last post missed the mark in that regard. 

The article that I read triggered emotion in me hence the article I wrote. The emotion was honest emotion but I admit the delivery lacked tact and that is not my usual nature and so I don’t feel good that I allowed myself to react so hastily on such a hot button topic.

I actually had a really thought provoking non hostile conversation with my brother today regarding my last post and he pointed out something I never took into consideration and that is the fact that my words have power.

I guess I didn’t think much of it because honestly, I wonder if people even read my blog sometimes. In the online world, I am merely a blip on the radar. How could my words possibly have any power?

 Sometimes I feel like I am writing to a brick wall and I wonder why I bother but I know why. It’s because I love writing. I really do and if I can touch even one person in a positive way…whether I know it or not, it feels good to my soul.

Was I offended by the article I read?…yes I was. Was it worth spouting off my feelings in that moment? Perhaps not. 

Whether I am justified or not I am ultimately encouraging the wrong kind of conversation and energy. It was a moment I can’t take back but it’s never too late to reflect and ask for forgiveness.

So I asked myself…Why was the article so triggering to me? As a woman it was very triggering to me because that article made me feel like I had to redefine what it means to be a woman. Go through all the trials and milestones of a woman and not be allowed to own it because society is saying the title must be given to all who identify as such…no questions asked.

I went even deeper and delved into why I wrote such a hasty post and I got really honest with myself…on a subconscious level I knew my article and emotion would provoke a reaction…a conversation.. a like…an angry face…something.

When you write and write and you put yourself out there on a regular basis with little to no response, you start to question if you’re a good writer. Perhaps my posts are not strong enough to promote conversation or an emoji.

Honestly it’s not about wanting to be some blogging celebrity and I did not write that article for such a shallow agenda but it seems like people don’t talk unless you write the way I did in my last article.

Overall, the feeling was real. The reaction and frustration? All honest. That being said, provoking people to only speak up to either agree with my frustration or oppose it? Not the honest me…but it poses the question…Why do people shy away from leaving passionate comments about the positive?

I posed this question to my brother and his answer ment a lot to me. He replied…

“Maybe your positive articles are so well written that it needs no comment…sometimes no comment is in fact a compliment”…

I never thought of it that way before and whether that’s the case or not…I like the idea ☺

So in closing…my intent is never and never will be to hurt. I will screw up in the future…I can admit that but it’s what we do with that screw up that can ultimately create growth and character. I am and always will be all for that. 

Perhaps my last post was charged in emotion and hasty…reactive but in the end it prompted me to reflect and grow and that to me is a win.

Take Care & God Bless 💖

Cavelle

Some Of You Are Not Going To Like This And I Don’t Care.

 

Hey guys 🙂

So after giving it some thought, I am keeping Mental Break In Progress as is. If you have been keeping up, I recently wrote a post about writer’s block and not knowing what direction I want to take my blog etc etc.

That being said, I have decided I am just going to write about whatever and let things take their own natural direction instead of trying to force one so get ready to be taken on a ride lol

First, I am sitting here on my night shift after a very frustrating check in process ( I work in a hotel) It delayed my audit by literally hours and I am still fuming from it. Don’t you get tired of feeling like the only person who gives a crap about doing their job and doing it right?

Lord, give me patience…

OK there.That’s out of my system but oh I am so not done…this is where the real rant begins…

Today I read an article titled “Periods are not just for women” Article in a nutshell? Another transgender protest and I for one am so sick of this ever growing checklist of rules we’re expected to follow with this whole LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ trend/agenda.

If you’re a woman and you want to be a man…then fine. Be a man. But now that you are a man don’t you dare try to take away a biological function that makes me a woman. You can’t have it both ways! Figure it out. Sex is biological not an idea that you have in your head. I am a woman. I have a menstrual cycle because I am a woman. If you want to be a man but you still have your lady parts, guess what? You’re a woman so deal with it.

I am done being nice about this topic. The only thing I understand is that people are seriously confused about their identity and now they are making it my problem when it’s not. I am a woman. I have accepted biologically and otherwise that I am a woman and I am quite OK with that. If you’re not OK with who you are and want to mess with God or mother nature etc….that is on YOU not me so don’t tell me how it’s going to be just because you are not OK with yourself. You are a tiny percentage of the population with mass media coverage that gives people the impression you are the majority and you expect everyone to conform to your ever changing rules of what it means to be a man or woman or nothing at all.

So yeah if you want me to be “sensitive” to your needs, look elsewhere. I am not even allowed to be a traditional woman anymore. Apparently periods are for everyone! And to males wanting to be women and complaining about the lack of acceptance, that is so sexist in it’s own right. You are late to the game my friend. Try being a woman from birth and putting up with with all the struggles women have had to go through just to be a biological woman and then get back to me. You think you can just switch body parts and poof! You’re a woman and you get it?…you have no idea and it’s insulting to say the least.

And to those of you who only want to be addressed as “they” or whatever ( the list is so long I can’t keep up) I give up. What else do you want?

I am so sick of reading crap like this and being made to feel like I am the bad guy because I want to stay the way I am. It’s like being traditional in any way is frowned upon and the fact that I am Christian on top of it makes me that much more the enemy of today’s messed up society.

The whole agenda is so confusing that I give up. I am done trying to be understanding and sensitive. In a generation where conformity is so passe, I refuse to conform to this…whatever it is.

So call me a bigot, call me every name in the book. I stand by what God gave me and that’s my right just as it is your right to mess with your identity. Get over yourself and stop forcing your agenda on everyone. It’s getting super old.

End Rant. Drop the mic. Have your say, but I for one, am walking away.

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

PS: Please feel free to comment on either side but know in advance I am very set on my stance so if you’re trying to “educate” me it’s a lost cause. This post is a statement and not a debate but feel free to try. I figure I should just be honest about that.