Smile And Nod – The Passive Aggressive Dilemma

Hey guys 🙂

Question for you – Do you ever have to bite your tongue? Like really bite your tongue…like almost right off?

You don’t have to answer that because I already know the answer to that question for most of you. 😉

We all have a threshold for how much…umm…”interesting” situations we’re willing to take on in our lives.

For some, that threshold is a short fuse. A firecracker.

For others like myself, it’s a long…long fuse with a massive explosion waiting at the end of it.

I’m here to tell you that the long fuse with the big explosion person is their own worst enemy and can ultimately do the most damage not only to themselves but the people around them.

I don’t care to admit this…but I will.

This sort of behavior is classic passive aggression and I am slowly but surely making a point to remove my face from the dictionary definition.

Whether it’s family, friends, or your job, how many times have you found yourself biting your tongue to try and avoid perceived conflict?

In the moment, you think you have spared all involved but you are still left with a bitter taste in your mouth because you have suppressed your true thoughts and feelings regarding that person or situation. You find yourself doing and saying things you really didn’t want to do or say.

You might even replay that conversation in your head, repeatedly picturing what you wanted to say. You may confide in someone about it and retell the story as if you had been assertive. Embellish a bit to make it sound like you have a backbone. A mixture of what really happened and what you wanted to happen.

Time goes on. You smile and nod and smile and nod. Then one day, reality flicks your ear and the floodgates open leaving everyone around you scratching their heads.

Now you have a bigger mess to clean up provided there is any room left for that option.

Sound familiar?

Now before I go any further, I would like to point out that in some cases, it doesn’t hurt to bite your tongue. Pick your battles wisely because they’re not all worth fighting but for the purpose of this post, it will be assumed that things should have been addressed long…long ago…

For myself, I have been making a point to delve deeper into the reasons why I shy away from conflict or what I believe will be conflict if I speak my mind and the truth is, it’s not easy to write about it because I know I fall into this category and honestly, who wants to admit that?

Not the passive aggressive person that’s for sure.

For all the therapists I have seen and the countless articles on psychology I have read, you would think I have this passive aggressive thing figured out and under control by now.

I don’t. Not entirely, but stay with me as I try to breakdown my thoughts on the matter.

We are all guilty of being passive aggressive to some degree. Like the white lie for example. We’ve all told one here and there. The problem is too many white lies add up to trouble.

So no more tip toeing around. It’s time to dive in and explore the psyche of the passive aggressive person according to me…the passive aggressive with some insight.

Contradiction much?

Yes…but no…

Remember Your Childhood?

Many of us have failed to communicate with our inner child. I believe it makes sense to say that our upbringing plays a role in who we are today. I will use myself as an example:

I grew up in a dysfunctional home…I am assuming many of us in our own way, can say the same. Abuse existed in my home both physically and emotionally. When I look back, I start to see the stage was set.

As a child, you have no control of what goes on in your home. Well, I didn’t at least. In my case, watching my parents battle it out nearly everyday was not a fun time. In an effort to keep peace, the best thing I felt I could do was to not rock the boat.

Do what I’m told. Be agreeable at all times. Be nice to everyone. Overachieve in school as a way to please my parents and teachers in order to obtain some sort of control.

Reality sinks in as I realize I lived in constant fear of conflict because I saw it everyday. That on edge feeling knowing your parents would get into it at some point in the day.

I knew the drill. Go to my room, and pretend it wasn’t happening. It will blow over at some point and we’ll all sit down to dinner as if nothing happened. This walking on eggshells becomes very routine. You just get used to it.

Now I could be childish and blame my upbringing for my own shortcomings forever and at one time I did, but that is not why I am writing this post. Move to present day and my family has overcome a lot. Many “forgive me” coupons have been exchanged and redeemed. We’re stronger now despite the past but that didn’t happen over night.

Talking about my childhood is simply to benchmark how my passive aggressive behavior snowballed (although that snowball is starting to melt) into what it is today.

This is what happens when you don’t acknowledge your inner child. You fail to become a true adult and instead you become a big albeit high functioning, child.

Yes, I am an adult on paper but I have certainly stunted the growth of my inner child and so she continues to have tantrums until I just say –

“What!? What do you want!?”

For visual effect, the inside of my head looks something like this –

Stewie Hi GIF - FamilyGuy Mom Momma GIFs


Who? Me?

As you grow from childhood into adulthood, the passive aggressive person you have become now has to face a huge reality check.


If you relate to my story, then I think you will follow my logic on this. You spent your childhood not in control of the negativity around you. You tried in vain to compensate for the turmoil and part of that was by shutting off your feelings.

As you get older, those feelings don’t really go away. They are stored up inside and it’s really getting cramped in there.

You start to resent things like “adulting”  because you never really got to enjoy being a kid. It’s wasn’t your fault you had to grow up in that environment. You had no choice and now you’re expected to carry the burden of adulthood?

That’s not fair!

Subconsciously, your inner child demands you protect them from this injustice and because you have failed multiple times to show your inner child that you are in fact the one in charge, the result is quiet rebellion with an escape route.

The inner child wins because just like everything else in your life, you just don’t want to go there. It’s too hard and if something appears to be too hard or uncomfortable you can bet the passive aggressive person has a way out of it.

When things get too real, tough or simply adult in nature, your inner child takes over. You revert back to survival mode and are reminded by the inner child that it’s not your fault.

The Truth Is You’re Living A Lie:

Many passive aggressive people don’t really see how they are lying to themselves and ultimately avoiding their biggest problem.

It’s not everyone else my friend…it’s YOU. You are your biggest problem.

You say to yourself – “I am peaceful, I’m polite and I don’t hurt people’s feelings. I turn the other cheek for the greater good, I’m helpful (etc etc) so how can it be that I am the bad guy?”

The truth is, you’re not a bad person. I promise. Your intentions are good and true. However the problem there is, your intentions are still coming from the mind of a child and that child does not understand the importance of assertiveness in adulthood.

That child has no concept of assertiveness…that’s an adult thing and so that child does what they know best. They go to their room and hide until the bad stuff stops and then sit down with everyone at the dinner table as if nothing happened.


The danger for the passive aggressive person is the fact that sooner or later things will blow up…big time.

You may hear this sometimes. People saying that it’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Look at serial killers for example. You hear these horrific stories about murder and when friends or family talk about this person, you’ll sometimes hear things about how that person seemed so happy, friendly. A pillar of the community. No surface reason to believe this person was capable of killing another human being or in this case multiple ones.

This example is extreme but but if you could look back at a serial killer’s childhood, you can bet abuse was a piece of the puzzle. That sense of no control over their negative environment and so in this case they would literally kill for control.

I am not saying all passive aggressive people are serial killers in the making. There is much more to it than that but it gives you an idea of just how toxic passive aggressive behavior can get.


I won’t leave you hanging. If I am going to explain how passive aggressive people work then it’s only fair I offer solutions to this epidemic so here are a few things I have been trying out.

  1. It’s OK to say No: For real guys. You’re allowed to say no. No no no…NO…Wow, that felt pretty good! 😉 Passive aggressive people in particular associate the word “no” with negative connotation. Since most passive aggressive people are being ruled by their inner child, it makes sense that no = bad and yes = good. Starting today, I encourage you to say no to at least one thing you actually want to say no to during the span of a week. Baby steps. Show yourself that there is no monster waiting for you under the bed if you dare speak the word “no” because honestly, after a few times, it starts to get easier.
  2. Turn off the filter: OK I say turn off the filter but to be clear I mean that within reason. Remember. Baby steps. Take little situations and speak your mind on them. Say what you mean and mean what you say. For example, if your spouse asks “Where would you like to go for dinner tonight?” Do not, I repeat DO NOT say – “Oh, it doesn’t matter to me. Wherever you would like to go is fine.” If you had a place in mind, SAY IT. Do not be afraid to follow through and answer the question truthfully. You were asked where you want to go. Take that for what it is. An opportunity to express what it is that you want. You’re allowed to do that you know but don’t you dare say let’s go where you want to go and then cry inside that you didn’t really want to go there.
  3. Cut the cord: It’s time to let go of the inner child. This will take time and at some point you will find yourself in the throws of empty nest syndrome as you let that child go. You will feel as if you are lacking a true identity and in fact you are. Your identity was wrapped up in your past and other people but here is the good news, all of this is fixable. It’s not a lost cause…unless you want it to be. Start small. Don’t go on a rampage of no’s. Aim for balance and I do recommend seeing a therapist as you transition into this new and improved you. There is a lot of fear and anxiety that revolves around breaking the passive aggressive mold (paralyzing fear in fact) and there is no shame in acknowledging that and seeking help for it. Taking the time to reflect and accept the past for what it was is no easy feat. There are a lot of walls that need to be broken down in order to build a wall that’s up to code and if you are willing to do that, then you are more of an adult in that moment than a lot of people so see the need for help and acknowledging that you do as a sign of strength and liberation. ❤

I will stress again. Baby steps. It has to be because us passive aggressive people will run and hide from anything that seems too difficult or scary and so you have to introduce assertiveness gradually and learn over time that assertiveness is actually a healthy part of being an adult. Conflict in small doses is OK…it’s normal and your world will not come to end for facing it head on. The fears you have are the fears of inner child. You’re not a kid anymore and you deserve to graduate into adulthood with your own thoughts, feelings and identity. You are worth that! ❤

In closing, I will leave you with a bible verse that I hope you will find helpful and serve as spiritual therapy on your journey to find and love yourself –


1 John 4:18 

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.


Take Care & God Bless ❤















Let It All Out

Hey guys 🙂

As I enter into a new week, I have put my armor on and I’m ready to kick some butt. 🙂

One thing I have done to help with that is I have started making a point to get back into church and make it routine. For awhile there I just couldn’t get seem to get it together and just go to church…an hour out of my week, and yet something as simple as going to church seemed like a challenge but I am determined to make that stop.

In the last couple of weeks I have started to dig deep and get back to basics. I long for a simple, uncomplicated life and that has meant keeping my inner circle as close to me as possible and the rest will have to make an appointment.

Self preservation is not a bad thing. ❤

Last week when I attended church, I managed to show up early for Sunday School before the main sermon. The topic that morning revolved around being born again, being saved.

This struck a chord in me and actually made me emotional. I had been so wrapped up in earthly, day to day junk, that I wasn’t feeling as spiritually in touch as I wanted to be.

I spoke up in class and asked how can I truly be saved when I am bound to make mistakes and falter? Do I just ask for forgiveness and continue to be born over and over again?

I said, I feel guilty that I have missed so much church. I feel I have let my church family down. I said, it’s not just my work schedule that makes it challenging to show up. It’s an internal thing…it’s me.

When we discuss being saved, I am never sure how to approach it or what to say. I feel I have a relationship with God and I certainly have faith and believe in him but I said, I struggle to come right out publicly and proclaim that I am saved or that I want to be saved and make that true commitment to God.

I mentioned the persecution I feel sometimes as I become more rooted in my faith and more outspoken about it. That lead to discussion that as we get closer to the day when God will return, the bible clearly states Christians will be persecuted more and more each day…

Timothy simply states:

2 Timothy 3:12

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted


I continued to discuss the fact that am not sure I am ready to go there yet. That I tend to sit on the fence when it comes to making something like being saved offical and so I feel behind sometimes.

I didn’t mean to hijack the class and I said as much but the result of me speaking up and allowing myself to be vulnerable turned out to be a much needed positive experience and great discussion among the class.

Emotional and overwhelming but truly cleansing in its own right. I received so much support from the ladies and they were happy I spoke up and they prayed with me. I didn’t even realize I had so much pent up emotion until that moment.

One thing I have realized is that on a subconscious level, I think the reason I had started to avoid going to church in the last few months is because it was striking too many chords within me and overwhelming me.

Also, I am not used to receiving that kind of support…I don’t know how to ask for and accept it and so it feels awkward to me. I walk through those church doors sometimes and think, I don’t deserve to be here…I am not a stand up Christian. Church reminds me that I am painfully human and sometimes I just don’t know what to do with that and so I hide.

But I am starting to realize and understand what church is really about. It’s not about being the perfect Christian or keeping judgmental tabs on each other. It’s about helping each other as we walk our path with God. It’s a support system, a safe haven and a social outlet with like minded people that I desperately need but tend to avoid.

Today, I managed to make it to church again (2 weeks in a row woo hoo!) and today’s sermon was great. Now that I am really starting to dig deep and allow myself to be open I am getting much more out of the sermons and Sunday School lessons. I am left full with soul food and it makes me feel ready to face my week as I know that’s when the devil works the hardest. He loves to beat us down and encourage stress and worry over the day to day.

It’s also a nice outing not only for me but for my fiance too. It brings us closer together as a couple. It makes us stronger.

I finally have a man in my life who also has faith and believes God is with us. We are able to rise above a lot simply because we hold God’s hand together and if one of us is down, we’re able to lift the other up by reminding the other that God will take care of us.

The uphill climb a Christian faces today and throughout history is real. For some reason, many people cast stones on religion…They associate the word “religion” with being radical, close minded, judgmental, self righteous, corny, out of touch, uptight and stuffy.

This is unfortunate and I am not trying to say none of that exists within the realm of religion…but Christian or not, there will always be someone pointing fingers…always… in fact we’re all guilty of it if we’re being honest.

We are ALL human.

There will always be good, evil and everything in between… more importantly there will always be wolves in sheep’s clothing no matter where you turn but that doesn’t mean you can’t protect yourself and it starts with surrounding yourself with the right people instead of trying in vain to get people to see what you see, think what you think and feel what you feel…we need to stop focusing on that, myself included and turn inward and hold on to the people who are truly there to offer love and support.

Keep your friends and family close and your enemies as far away as possible. Don’t engage, don’t react and fuel futile fires.

Try saying that three times fast. 😉

I made that mistake just in the last month in one of my posts…it reeked havoc on my Facebook page.

People deleted me and lashed out at me…persecuted me…I had a strong, controversial/Christian opinion and when I wrote the post, I was frustrated and instead of just leaving it alone and turning the other cheek, I sparked one of those futile fires and promoted the wrong kind of conversation and energy…for that I feel remorse and have learned my lesson. I ultimately took down the post because it’s not my true goal to start a social media firestorm of that nature.

Does that mean I retract my stance? No. It does not. Could I have expressed myself in a better way? Definitely.

All I know is I am going to screw up and that day I did but the quicker I make peace with that and stop worrying about what other people think of me the better. I have never claimed to be perfect and I never will be.

I think that’s what non-believers need to understand. Being a Christian does not mean being perfect or living some prim and proper, holier than thou lifestyle. We all have free will and are free to choose our own path so maybe we all just need to focus on paving our own path instead of trying to pave someone else’s.

This has been a valuable lesson that I have learned.

There are many things going on in today’s society that I do not agree with. Things that make me cringe…things I find hypocritical and totally backwards… I am sure there are people who feel the same about me and my beliefs but the one thing I have realized about that is to just stay true to myself and walk the path that is right for me. Talk about that and keep my mouth shut about the rest because honestly, why waste energy on and argue with people who already have their mind made up. Why stir that pot? In my experience, it was nothing but trouble…a total waste.

The best thing I can do is keep promoting the positive example I strive to be. Continue to grow in my relationship with God, with my spouse, my family, my friends and my church. The rest will fall naturally into place and will weed out the people who don’t need to be anywhere near my inner circle.

Aim for simplicity, for peace. Sure, you won’t always get it right. You won’t always practice what you preach but I will leave you with this cliche –

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. 


Take Care & God Bless ❤













Why You Need To Start Treating Your Life Like A Business

Hey guys 🙂

Wow. What a week it has been. I will spare you the details because I would end up spending all my time talking about it and personally, I just want to move forward and look for the silver linings. 🙂

The week I have had ties into what I want to touch on today. So I will start with this question –

What if we lived our lives as if we were running a business?

I have pondered this question many times and have even applied this concept to my own life and I have to say, it’s rather effective.

If you were to start a “life ledger” what would it look like? Is the business that is you generating a surplus or are you finding yourself in the red more than you’d care to be?

In my mind, a life ledger would be quite basic and look something like this:

  • Assets – What do you and the people around you, bring into your life that is positive? Are there enough assets to cover the liabilities in your life?
  • Liabilities –  We all have responsibilities in life. That will never change but I imagine there are many of you who, if you looked at your life ledger right now would see you take on more liabilities than is necessary. This can make or break the business that is you.

Starting today, it’s time to balance the books. For the sake of the business, we need to start letting go of some of the liabilities we have taken on .

The numbers don’t lie.

If your life is currently in the red, look at your ledger. Perhaps you will start to see some patterns.

I certainly have past liabilities that needed to go as it almost put me out of business more than once.

A good source of our life income comes from the connections we make with other people. Anyone who runs a literal business will tell you that connections count and keep a business afloat.

No clients, no business.

However, some clients can in fact hurt your business. You spend all your time and energy on this particular client yet the return on that investment turns out to be a waste of time.

This client keeps the purse strings tight and are high maintenance. Their loyalty to your business only benefits them, not you.

This is hands down a liability and whether you believe it or not, this is one liability you can scratch off your books ASAP.

They are not helping your business, they are sucking you dry and that time and energy could be better spent making room for a new client who is willing to work with you and for you.

This kind of client truly appreciates your service and you appreciate their business.

Do you see how this concept can easily be applied to our lives? Do you have that long time friend, significant other or even family member that you’ve hung on to simply because they have been part of the furniture for so long?

Ask yourself. How is this person an asset to my life? Why am I going into debt over this person? In some cases that question can be asked quite literally.

If you find yourself pausing to answer that question, then I challenge you to dust off your life ledger and look for the patterns.

For example, if this person was on your bank statement, chances are they would show up as multiple, micro transactions.

Useless spending.

These micro transactions add up and if we’re not paying attention to them we can lose out big time and not even know why…until we look  honestly at the numbers.

This can also apply to your current job. In this case we’re talking real numbers but it all ties into the business that is you.

Are you unhappy with your job? Is showing up to work everyday with dread worth the paycheck?

Is the time you invest into your job paying off for you or for everyone else?

Let’s say you work 8 hours a day for a modest pay. That modest pay in most cases is going to everyone but you. The time you invest into your job is many times an expense on your life ledger.

You get paid and pay the bills and if you are not happy with your job on top of that, what is left for you exactly?

Many of us fall into the trap of believing that if we can just get our finances in order everything else will fall into place but honestly, how often does that truly work out?

The truth is, we need to get our life in order. Have you ever thought that perhaps if you did that first your financial struggles would in fact resolve themselves or at the very least, improve?

Some of you may think I’m a bit bonkers to suggest you stop looking at your bank account and look to your life ledger first but the way I see it, perhaps you struggle financially because you haven’t balanced your life ledger.

Therefore, you may be making poor decisions (financial included) due to a lack of life assets.

If we reverse that, you may see that by taking care of you first, you are in a better position mentally and emotionally for making better overall decisions, have the confidence to take on a better job opportunity for example instead of convincing yourself that leaving your steady, yet totally depressing job is the only way.

Make yourself an asset! We are our own worst enemy sometimes. Don’t be your own liability on top of the ones you already juggle.

Now for those of you protesting that the bills need to get paid and you have children to support, I get you. I am not saying to go into work tomorrow and just go down in a ball of flames, yelling something about your life ledger to your boss…lol please don’t do that.

What I am saying, is that it is not too late to come up with a life plan and in this case, a financial plan that will truly be to the benefit of your business.

It’s a cliche job interview question but where do you see yourself in 5 years? If you can’t answer that question, what has prevented you from setting goals which will benefit your future?

Setting goals that benefit you both personally and financially, will ultimately benefit the ones you care about most and in return, the ones you care about are better able to support you and help to keep your life business grow and stay strong.

It’s never too late to balance the book of life but in order to do that, we need to read the numbers and accept them for what they are. No more grey areas. No more fudging the numbers to make them balance. Accept the entry errors as errors and correct them. Question the imbalances instead of simply writing them off.

Sometimes, this will involve making tough decisions but if you were running a real business and the decision was the difference between staying in business or not…the decision wouldn’t be all that hard. What business wants to shut down?

So apply that concept to yourself. You will find that by taking this approach, the liabilities that are risking your life business will stick out like a sore thumb. It will be obvious what cuts need to be made and it is my hope that if this post speaks to you, you will open up that life ledger and get down to business! ❤


Take Care & God Bless ❤