What About The “About” Page?

Hey guys 🙂

Taking the night off as far as delving into a deep topic post but that being said, one thing I noticed about my blog this morning is that my “about” page was in need of some TLC and so I revamped it and thought I would share 🙂

About Me

After making some adjustments, it made me realize that I visit blogs all the time with no “about” page and I have always wondered why bloggers neglect such a good opportunity to make a first impression and connect with other bloggers.

I am far from a blogging pro but I feel like this one section of your blog should be completed before anything else. I want to know a little bit about you first before I dive into your writing…feed my curiosity! I want to get to know you 😀

So yeah, I guess if I had a blogging tip to throw out there it would be to make an “about” page. It sets the tone for your whole blog and well worth the effort 🙂

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

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Why I Don’t Want Children

Hey guys 🙂

I already wrote a post earlier but it’s been a rather slow night here on my night shift. I refuse to be bored, so I turn to my writing for comfort.

As a lady in my early/entering mid 30’s (I’ll be 34 in December) it seems that society encourages that I should really get on that baby train soon or I might miss it.

I need to stress before I go any further, this post is not about hating on mothers or children for that matter, it’s just for some of us, children are not in the cards.

For some, the reasons for not having children are beyond control and for others like me, it’s a conscious decision.

Let me also make note of the fact, that I consider myself to have been a mother already. When I was younger I had a miscarriage. It was a very difficult time.

The relationship I was in was not healthy/abusive and when I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend at the time didn’t seem all that shocked.

Did I mention that he admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose two weeks after I found out and right before I would be starting college?

Apparently, this was suppose to bring us “closer together”. I suppose you are questioning how could my ex have gotten me pregnant on purpose. Was there no birth control? Sigh, there was not at the time but there was trust (in that respect)…or at least there was suppose to be.

Miscarriages are all too common unfortunately but the loss is real and you never stop wondering about your child who could have been.

Before I found out I was pregnant, there was one night when my girlfriends and I decided to have a girls night out. I remember my boyfriend at the time was putting up a fuss that I wanted to go but I thought he was just being a jerk as things between us had been on a downward spiral for some time and so I went out, had drinks and a grand ole time.

This event would be thrown back in my face.

After my miscarriage, I had little support emotionally and otherwise from him.

One night, we had a huge argument regarding the event and in the heat of the moment he told me that I wouldn’t have lost the baby had I had stayed home that night.

To this day, that statement can still sting. That statement would keep me in a state of guilt and depression for some time.

How could he have the audacity to blame me when he knew before I left that night what he had already done?

The choice to have a baby was not mine in this case and despite that, I was excited and prepared to carry to term.

But the choice to keep the baby was taken from me. This would prove to be for the best but at the time it was devastating.

I felt violated, betrayed and I also felt completely out of control. Decisions were made for me without any consideration.

Not a good feeling.

My miscarriage experience landed me in the emergency room. I was hemorrhaging at a dangerous rate and there are some parts of that event that are still so vivid.

Two days before Christmas…five days before my birthday…

So yes, a rather dark story but the good news is, I persevered through that time in my life. ❤

For the most part, I have made peace with it all but it took a long time and sometimes it still haunts me 10 years later.

You never forget something like that but it is possible to move forward.

I have spent the majority of my life making the same mistakes over and over again. I spent the majority of my life mentally ill, unaware that I had bipolar disorder.

It has only been in the last year that I have truly started to get my life together and I have to tell you, this new found freedom, this healthier me, I love it and I want nothing or no one to interfere with that…and yes that includes children.

I don’t think I need to tell you that having a child is a lifelong commitment and while I will not argue with people the fact that kids are life changing and there’s nothing like it, that’s kind of my point. It is life changing, it is a huge commitment and if I am truly honest with myself, I want to commit to me for once.

I want my freedom.

I am not willing to commit to having a child. Is that selfish of me to say?

As a woman, sometimes you think people will frown upon that statement but I would rather be honest then cave to social pressures, use my body for it’s biological purpose but ultimately grow to resent my child in the process.

Speaking of social pressures, having a kid in this world we live in today?

No thanks.

I personally feel like the world is full of so much PC rhetoric that I honestly want no part of having to juggle a kid along with that…I read all these stories about the issues parents have had to deal with at their kid’s school for example…I don’t have patience for such things and I refuse to allow myself or my hypothetical child for that matter, get caught up in crap like that.

I have mentioned having bipolar disorder. My father and brother also have bipolar disorder. There is a hereditary component to the illness and personally, I don’t like the idea of putting my child at risk for that.

Sure, I would be able to see the signs faster than most and have it treated much earlier but again, if I am being honest, I have enough of a time taking care of myself in that department. I am not sure I could or want to handle having children based on that.

OK, so now for an obvious reason.

My husband to be had a vasectomy during a previous relationship so that kind of takes children off the table. I think in some cases the procedure can be reversed but as it turns out my fiance and I are both on the same page here so it’s really a non issue for us.

We have lived similar lives and we both feel the need to focus on ourselves and each other. We have stability in our lives and we’re really not willing to rock that boat. We get by financially and we’re comfortable for once.

Another reason I would rather not have a child…they cost a ton of money that would tip the financial scales out of our favor. I am not about to have a child I am not financially prepared for.

That being said, I love children. I am an aunt of 3 nephews, 1 niece and 1 niece on the way in November. I love being the cool aunt. ❤ I love being a mentor.

So I may not want children of my own but I certainly love the idea of being there for children who have been cast aside. It’s an epidemic and one that just should not be.

I can see myself one day adopting perhaps or even being a foster parent. I would rather help and love the children (so many) who are already here with no family, no place to turn, no love and security, than bring a new child into this world.

I don’t prefer to be a mother in the traditional sense but I feel I can certainly be a mother of sorts to children who really need one.

I will always advocate for children. ❤

They didn’t ask to be brought into this world and so it’s our duty as a society (I feel) to take care of the innocent before creating new innocents.

Again, this is not to “mom shame” anyone but we all have a story and this one happens to be mine. I know there are many women like myself afraid to speak up about the other side of the fence because it seems to be assumed that all women want to be mothers and that is simply just not true and I am here to tell you –

 

That is perfectly OK. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Love – An Open Letter To You

Dear Hun, (aka love of my life)

Just over a year ago, my brother introduced us. I didn’t know it right in that moment but I shook hands with my future husband, the person that I thought only existed in my dreams.

Then, one day, when the storm that I broke from cleared, there you were just being your awesome self and I quickly realized “This guy is the real deal” a male version of myself.

Realizing how much I loved you in that moment also made me realize that maybe, just maybe, I loved myself too for basically the first time ever.

Before you came along, I used to joke with people that I could never date someone like me, as a way to justify the fact that I was in relationships where being myself was an afterthought at best.

Being myself was a “bad” thing.

I forfeited my identity, the things that made me an individual to try and mold myself into what past boyfriends wanted me to be and it was never enough…ever.

But one day, I put my foot down..hard. I hit the ground running. It was terrifying and liberating all at the same time…I was ready to take life into my own hands…

Alone.

Funny how as soon as I did that, you just sort of fell into my lap. Best and worst timing ever lol.

It was like God was giving me a big hug, like a father proud of his child for doing the right thing and in turn he gifted me with you.

I think God had you in his back pocket the whole time, he was just waiting for me to wake up so that He could bless me with the best gift I could ever ask for. ❤

We have both been through so much. We both had baggage when we met and usually that would mean trouble, but in this case, we came together and helped each other to heal the wounds from our past because we both knew we had beautiful diamonds in the rough just waiting to shine, we understood each other’s pain and because we’re both so awesome, we got down to work and started chipping away at the walls we had built.

Now, like a sparkling diamond, we’re stronger than ever.

You are my best friend and I don’t think you understand just how much that means to me. We’re so connected. We know when to push and when to back off. We work through the tough times as a team.

We’re resilient. ❤

You give me the freedom to be me. I am still working on figuring out who I truly am and you support me on the journey and encourage me in the process. You make me want to be a better person everyday.

I used to feel like I was nothing more than some “crazy b*tch” (I was in fact told as much, more than once in the past along with various other derogatory statements.)

In my last relationship, I was apparently  suppose to “get over” the struggles I had with mental illness…no support, just criticism as if I should be able to just turn bipolar disorder off…

But you…you let me cry and work through the pain, you make me laugh, you make me smile, I am even allowed to be grumpy and you respect my space…that’s a big one as I was never allowed to have that before. You don’t take the need for space personally. You understand my need to recharge and process my thoughts. You also know when to give me a nudge when I have been in “hermit mode” for too long.

I am so grateful for that. ❤

You don’t push me into a corner and try to trigger me just so you can point the finger and make things my fault so that you can remain a control freak.

You make me an equal. ❤

You encourage me…you make it alright to be a big giant nerd because…well…you’re a big giant nerd 😉

You’re not threatened by the fact that I am smart. I don’t have to dumb myself down for you. We have in depth, intelligent conversations…do you have any idea what a breath of fresh air that is?! To be allowed to use my brain without coming off as some sort of threat to you?

What a difference it is to be with a real man ❤

Because you are there for me in ways I never imagined possible, it allows me to be there for you the way I had always hoped to be in a relationship.

We both have our moments where we don’t feel good enough for the other…that is just the past talking as it does sometimes but the voice of the past is fading more and more each day that we’re together.

Don’t ever say “You deserve better than me.” because you, my dear, are in fact the better I deserve ❤ I have waited for you for what seems like a lifetime and it’s been well worth the wait.

You know what else I love about you? Other people love you. I don’t feel like I have to “explain” you to people in order for them to understand what I see in you or flat out lie about our relationship to make it sound amazing to people when it isn’t.

You’re such a good soul and people see that in you right away. When I am with you I am proud. My parents and family love you so I know I got it right this time lol

People are genuinely happy for us because it’s so obvious how much we’re truly happy with each other. W truly are good and healthy for each other.

The people that matter most to me don’t simply “tolerate” you for my sake while secretly hoping I will come to my senses and leave you.

Oh and did I mention your amazing work ethic? Nothing is more attractive to me than a smart man who sets their work ethic bar high. I take pride in doing a good job, being reliable and a strong worker. I enjoy being a good example and so do you. You’re not lazy. You won’t lower the bar just to appease a lazy person.

I’m not high maintenance, you know this about me and by work ethic I am not talking about the money…it’s the principle.

You will do what needs to be done to maintain security in our home without a second thought. You don’t leave me hanging and force me to be “the provider” which you know hands down I can do and have done in past relationships. I will also do what needs to be done to keep security in our home but you don’t sit back and expect it.

You care about taking care of me and putting my mind at ease making it effortless for me to support you in the ways that you truly need.

You are my king and as your queen, I am more than happy to stand by your side and let you wear your much deserved crown. ❤

Know that I will always support you in this way. I want nothing but the best for you. I want to show you that the women from your past, the ones who have stomped all over your heart and wallet for that matter…That’s over and it’s totally their loss and my gain.

In the end, all of that, your past…my past, it ultimately brought us together. The rest no longer matters and for the others? What goes around truly comes back around.

I will always have your back. Anyone stupid enough to mess with you from here on in,  now has to answer to me and trust me when I say, for you, I will eat those people alive. You’re worth protecting and fighting for. You would and have, done the same for me. ❤

In closing, I only ask one thing of you.

Keep being you. You are truly a beautiful person. A rare find in this world and that is worth more to me than anything else ❤

I love you ❤

Cavelle

xoxoxoxox

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Mixed Bag

Hey guys 🙂

I hope you’re all doing well ❤

Today, I have no real topic to present to you. Just me kinda talking about…well…stuff.

*Warning* It’s going to be really random…

Let’s see… Things have been going pretty good lately. No major bipolar episodes which is great. Sometimes I worry about that with the change of the season. Not sure if anyone else experiences that but if I make a point to keep track, I find certain times of the year are more “bipolary” than others.

Job is stable! Finally a job that is stable. Anyone who lives with mental illness of any kind can probably relate to the difficulties of finding stability in that area of their lives in particular.

For awhile there I was job hopping to the point I honestly just felt like a failure. I see people sticking to their jobs for years. They seem to be able to handle all the crap that comes with a job and I was barely making the first 3 months. For various reasons but bipolar disorder certainly played its part.

In a perfect world, I would like to quit smoking. Yes, I smoke. I know it’s bad. I don’t like that I smoke…yet I really don’t want to stop…yet I do…*sigh*

I have been missing church way more than I care to. The last time I missed church this much I was going through some major depression but since then I have just found it really difficult to get back into the swing of things.

That being said, regardless of church, I could stand to be saying my prayers more often. I don’t really “pray” I just sort of talk to God in my head. I don’t hear any voices reply so I figure that’s a good sign my mental health is fairly stable lol but God always responds to my prayers. I love God for that. He’s more action than talk. Sometimes He doesn’t act right away but on the bright side, it makes me exercise patience and faith. God acts when it truly counts.<3

You know what’s nice? Being in a relationship where big blow out fights are NOT the norm. Not even close. I was starting to think that didn’t exist. When you finally pull yourself out of that vicious cycle of constantly picking the wrong apples, you realize just how much of that can exasperate bipolar symptoms. Now that I am finally in a stable, loving relationship, sometimes I forget I even have bipolar disorder…of course I get reminders but not nearly as bad as before.

Regardless of your mental state…make a point to surround yourself with the right people…seriously, it makes a huge difference.

I keep a very small, tight knit circle of people around me. Mainly my family. This is in part because of the burns I suffered as a functioning alcoholic ( I was going to say borderline alcoholic but looking back, who am I kidding?)

I thought that the karaoke bar flies I mingled with were truly my friends…then one day I realized…I don’t know these people outside of the bar. I don’t know them by day or sober…I say and do stupid crap thinking it’s all fun and games. At the time, I thought my social life was truly booming. Oh yeah…I was the bees knees in my drunken book…

When I look back at that time, I don’t even know who that girl was…I’m past being ashamed about it but it’s still cringe worthy.

Not really sure why I brought that up but maybe I am working through my writer’s block in real time…like I said, this is going to be random lol

Speaking of random, is it just me or does Earl Grey tea smell like Fruit Loops? I love both ❤

Also, I have a confession to make…I’m a nerd. A gamer to be exact. My finance and I recently bought Elder Scrolls Online for our PS4…I loooove this game. ❤ If you are a fellow gamer and you don’t have Elder Scrolls Online, you are seriously missing out. Of course you have to be into MMORPG (Massive Multi Player Online Role Playing Game). Fellow nerds and gamers will totally get what I am saying here…the rest of you…just ignore this section of the post lol.

I promise this randomness is not mania by the way. I am on my night shift right now and totally bored. Super glad I enjoy writing. It passes the time and is therapeutic for me. A win win.

Speaking of therapeutic, music does the trick as well. I love when I am alone and can crank up the tunes and sign along…sometimes I do a little dance…it’s me time and something no one will ever witness lol

Music videos however…wow are they getting rather umm…demonic in nature. Like what is with all the devil worship? I feel like music videos have become rather pornographic with a dash of Illuminati symbolism…ok not a dash…blatant. I can’t be the only one who sees this…Like not long ago I saw Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” video and all I can say is…who made you go from “Teardrops On My Guitar” to umm…that?

And does anyone remember Kesha’s “Die Young” video? Super catchy tune but wow nothing like a santanic ritual to spice things up. It’s like all these pop songs have a very addictive melody while you watch…well… satan worship for lack of a better term and now she’s singing songs about praying and such… I’m confused…are we being brainwashed perhaps?

I guess at this point I need to stop rambling but I will leave you with this recap and words of wisdom:

  1. Know that God is watching over you. Always ❤
  2. Keep your friends close and your enemies as far away as possible.
  3. A healthy environment makes ALL the difference.
  4. If you live with mental illness or someone you care about does, keep the lines of communication open. It’s hard sometimes but it can literally save your life.
  5. The change of the seasons can affect mental illness. Be mindful of this.
  6. Don’t watch music videos? I’ll let you decide on that one.
  7. Earl Grey tea really does smell like Fruit Loops. I have decided this just now. Case closed.
  8. Being a nerd is OK. Embrace it ❤
  9. Smoking is bad…if you’re a smoker like me…I get it. It’s bad but don’t worry, you’re not ❤
  10. Taylor Swift went to the dark side…she said it herself “The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause she’s dead.”
  11. I love to sing and dance to music…when I’m alone…like totally alone lol
  12. This randomness is brought to you by night shift boredom. I hope it was somewhat entertaining/informative.

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Things

Hey guys 🙂

Today, I feel the need to take a personal inventory of what’s good in my life. Things are not bad right now, I simply just want to add to what’s already good. I like to build up those reserves for when the next storm hits. I prefer to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

So what do I have to be grateful for? Well, a lot actually. The last year has blessed me more than my 33 years of existence.

For starters, just over a year ago I finally put an end to an unhealthy relationship (there were others just as unhealthy prior to). This required a lot of inner strength that I didn’t think I had.

I was living on one side of the country and picked up and left for home on the other side of the country. It wasn’t planned, it just happened.

One day after a minor argument, my finance at the time went out. I don’t know what happened, it’s not like it was some blowout fight but for some reason in that moment there was an overwhelming fight or flight response. By the time he came home I had booked a plane ticket (I chose flight) and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I knew that if I didn’t follow through this time, it was going to be a long time before I had the guts to try again.

God was surely with me that day.

Needless to say I am grateful for that moment because as soon as I moved home my brother introduced me to his friend. My brother’s friend is now my fiance. This all happened quite quickly. I had no intention of finding love after what I had just left but isn’t that always the way?

I found out a little later my brother was playing the role of matchmaker. He knows my struggles well…especially in relationships and so I am glad he sneaked in there and helped me to find a good apple this time. 🙂

To finally be in a healthy, truly loving relationship is something I almost gave up on but when I was ready to let all of that go, God blessed me for it.

So yeah that’s what kick started a healthy, consistent, loving environment which I had been lacking for a very long time. It was scary at first. I wasn’t used to this healthy stuff and wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it lol but over time I embraced it and I continue to hang on to it with everything I got because I will never allow someone to take that from me again…including me! Gone are the days of self sabotage and you are talking to the former queen of it but I have since hung up my crown lol someone else can have it.

So yes moving on to present day, what do I currently have to be grateful for? Let me count the ways :

  1. God
  2. My wonderful soon to be husband
  3. My family/friends of course ❤
  4. A roof over my head, food, gas…you know the everyday stuff
  5. Did I mention the bills are paid? Take that bills! (for now lol)
  6. The cats<3. Truthfully I should have just included them in #3
  7. The church. Great pastor and wonderful people
  8. My job (there’s a first) love my job!
  9. Good neighbors and a great landlord.
  10. Country living…oh how I have missed home after 10 years of city living.
  11. Being the cool aunt. My fiance and I are fine without children personally but my nieces and nephews? Yeah don’t mess with them because you will see this aunt go from zero to mother hen in an instant.
  12. Standing up for myself (it’s been a slow process but it’s getting easier…almost fun! lol)
  13. My ability to express myself through writing.
  14. Giving myself credit (again, long overdue)
  15. Knowing I have a best friend in my partner. He truly is my best friend ❤
  16. A sense of humor. Although sometimes dark, my sense of humor has helped me survive a lot of crap.
  17. Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Yes you read that right. If I had never reached a place where I was aware of my disorder I would still be out there drowning in a dark sea. I believe knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle. Now that I know better I do better…I know, a string of cliches there but it’s all true.
  18. Being able to see the silver lining in just about everything. I will never let go of that. It holds a lot of power and gives me a sense of control. You can let stuff bring you down or you can counterattack with a list just like this.
  19. Patience. I always have that in my back pocket.
  20. Resilience. I can say this with confidence about myself and my family….we always get back up…always. We have God to thank for that and no matter what is going down in my life, God makes sure I can reach his hand. Even if he has to drag me along, as long as my hand is out he will take it ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

A Christian With Bipolar Disorder (Extended Edition)

Hey guys 🙂

I was reading through some of my older blog posts this evening and I noticed one that keeps getting hits long after I wrote it so in light of that, I thought I would expand on that post.

If you’re interested in reading the older post, click on the link below –

A Christian With Bipolar Disorder

In that post, I discussed some of the personal challenges I face in regards to keeping my faith strong while living with Bipolar Disorder.

Honestly, I didn’t think it was one of my best pieces but as it turns out it received great responses and more people were able to relate to this topic than I thought.

Living with Bipolar Disorder certainly has its challenges and stigma. Add a dash of faith in God and the challenges and stigma easily doubles.

In the past, I have talked about the persecution of Christians in today’s society. Not just Christians but honestly anyone who chooses to believe in God. Those of us who believe know that as time goes on, that persecution is destined to get worse.

2 Timothy 3:12

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted…

Personally, I desire to live a godly life. Am I good at that? Not really if I’m being honest. I screw up all the time but one thing I can say with confidence is that I am a resilient person.

In fact, I believe people who live with mental illness have an edge in that respect. The internal battle mental illness can bring day after day…to the point some people would rather take their own life…and do… but there are also so many of us who have managed to survive that battle. In some cases multiple times.

I thank God for my survival. ❤

You know, I was reading some material about Freud and his take on religion. As if the balancing act was difficult enough, the father of psychology states that God is merely an illusion…

Image result for Freud

Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires…

 

It could be ventured to understand obsessive compulsive neurosis as the pathological counterpart of religious development, to define neurosis as an individual religiosity; to define religion as a universal obsessive compulsive neurosis…

 

 

The whole thing (religion) is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life… 

 

And my “favorite”…

I regard myself as one of the most dangerous enemies of religion…

 

It’s interesting to note that Freud was born in Austria to a large Jewish family. His nanny was a devout catholic who took him to church every Sunday. Aside from that, Freud fled Nazis persecution and died shortly before World War 2.

As I find with a lot of Atheists, they don’t believe yet are fascinated with the subject. In this case I feel Freud’s take on religion is entirely based on his personal upbringing. If religion was introduced from a young age and in turn rejected, there is a reason for that and from what I noticed, people who reject God seem to be bitter about something. I could be wrong but it’s something that has stood out to me over time.

Freud is indeed dangerous in this regard as he states himself. He is one of the most prominent figures in psychology. Most people take his findings/opinions as the “bible” truth.

As if the stigma of having a mental illness isn’t enough, we now have to deal with a man  who’s words carry much weight even to this day and work hard against the Christian.

Hmm, I wonder what words from men of the past also carry much weight even to this day.

The bible comes to mind but remember, I’m delusional so believe what I say with caution…

So let me get this straight, I have Bipolar Disorder and apparently an obsessive compulsive, infantile mental state on top of it simply because I believe in God.

There is more than one article out there that correlates religion and mental illness. This does not surprise me at all given the state of our current world. It’s much easier to write off Christians as mentally ill then to think maybe they have a point…or a brain for that matter.

This just ties in with the mass persecution I spoke of earlier. Most Christians simply want to live in peace. Most are not banging down your door trying to shove their beliefs down your throat. Most are kind and are not running around killing people over the matter and many (are you ready for this?) are not mentally ill.

In part, you can thank the media for promoting such stigmas.

It blows my mind that in a world that currently promotes and borderline forces you to accept all for who they are without question, Christians still get some of worst ridicule…and for what exactly? How can there be such a double standard?

Apparently, I can’t believe in God without my mental health coming into question yet I could certainly question the mental health of people who currently ride the massive accept all/no questions train.

 

Freud makes yet another quote which I will leave you with…

…Religion’s eleventh commandment is “Thou shalt not question”…

Interesting…

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures Of Medication And The Little Mermaid

Hey Guys 🙂

Today I am going to share the tug of war I have sometimes with taking medication for bipolar disorder.

For the purpose of this post and basically all of my posts past and future, I say bipolar disorder because honestly, it’s easier to say that than give you my official diagnoses which happens to be…

Bipolar 2 Disorder with Rapid Cycling, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and “Borderline Tendencies”…

Tell me if that mouthful makes for good small talk haha…

I haven’t been receiving medical treatment all that long but in the close to 4 years that I have been receiving medical treatment, I have been on 6 different medications (a fraction compared to some) in an attempt to find the right combination/dose.

There is a lot of trial and error in trying to find the balance and I am not going to candy coat it…it’s not a fun process…at all… to the point you start to regret your diagnoses even though there is a sense of relief that you finally know what’s going on with you.

Once you find the right medication and dose however, life starts to get easier and you are more eager to commit to the routine.

It has only been in the last year that I have truly started living my life in a healthy, predictable way and part of that is because of  the right medication…right so far anyway.

At the time, accepting the fact I would have to go on medication for the rest of my life was like admitting huge defeat.

I was that person who barely touched an Advil unless I was having a massive headache. I have never liked taking medications of any kind for as long as I can remember.

Now I basically have no choice…well technically I do, but remember the official diagnoses back there? Tell me if you want that version of me walking around with no medication…

Didn’t think so.

I do my best to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing because honestly, I don’t want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me and I for one don’t want to feel like I have to hide my mental illness like some big ugly secret all the time.

Having a sense of humor in this regard is not to downplay mental illness but it certainly helps me to cope with it…medication in this case is not a cure all .

For example, medication can’t fix the times when I start to convince myself that I don’t need to take medication anymore.

This phenomenon seems to occur during times when I feel stable. This is when things have the potential to get dangerous believe it or not because when you feel stable for a long enough period of time, you simply feel “normal” and you start to believe that perhaps you are past all that bipolar/medication crap…you’re not…so not… but the mind is indeed a powerful thing and in some cases people make the mistake of foregoing their medication altogether which opens up a whole other can of ugly worms that trust me when I say…you don’t want to deal with.

Thankfully, at this point I know better but the urge is still there sometimes. It’s not always easy to come to terms with the fact that I have to take medication basically for the rest of my life in order to function properly…like everyone else.

It’s interesting because I feel like if I was taking medication for heart disease, diabetes etc, I would not feel any shame in that or even question it but when the illness is in your brain…well…your identity is wrapped up in that so it’s not like oh there is something wrong with my heart or my pancreas…no…there is something wrong with my brain…aka me.

For 30 years, I thought the life I was living was “normal”. I knew in my gut things were messed up but regardless I built my identity around what now feels like one big giant lie.

Who was that person? Who am I now?  I’m 33 and just starting to find out what life is like when it’s relatively stable.

Believe it or not, having stability in my life has been the most difficult of all to accept. All I have known is a life that consists mainly of words like chaos, abuse, survival, depression, anger, drama… the list could go on but I think you get the idea.

When you live a life with an untreated mental illness, chaos is all you know and then suddenly with the help of medication…

The noise stops…

That is “expletive” scary.

If I could make a comparison, it’s like when Ariel goes from having a mermaid tail to having legs.

From having a beautiful voice to having none at all.

That’s where I am on this journey right now.

Medication has given me the chance to see what life is like on land but I have these new legs and barely know how to use them…I still think a fork is a comb and now I am being told it’s an eating utensil!?…you don’t just simply accept that when all you have known is otherwise. I can safely say without the help of medication, I would not even have the remote chance of knowing a better life for myself.

I know there are some who slam medications like the ones I take. That “Big Pharma” is just trying to numb the world and eat your paycheck in the process.

I will admit, to a certain extent I agree and before my diagnoses I would have been at a protest rally for that belief but when I look back, my life before medication was a giant mess…when you don’t want to live anymore…I don’t know…medication doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

Suicide from my personal experience is not about wanting to literally die. You just don’t want to live the way you are anymore. You’re exhausted and feel like you have no options left. You just want someone or something to make it all go away.

So yeah, the day I went to my doctor and told them about my obsession with suicide they prescribed me an anti anxiety medication and I took it no questions asked. From there I finally started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me first and then ultimately a second one who concurred.

From there, Google became my best friend while navigating the medication highway.

We joke about the laundry list of side effects that scroll through the entire commercial of some lady riding a bike while smiling on a sunny day and we wonder why on earth would anyone take such a thing when the side effects seem worse than the condition itself?

I could never figure that out either.

But now I think I get it.

When I read about the side effects both short and long term regarding the medications I take, I have come to realize that statistically, I am more at risk by not taking these risky medications than I am for taking them.

Statistically speaking, I am more likely to die by my own hands sans medication.

Morbid but true.

So yeah, I have more or less accepted medication as a necessary evil in my life because I would like to experience my life with a little bit of peace for a change and like every good thing that comes our way in life…it comes with a price.

Medication will not fix everything but it’s instrumental in making sure I stay on the straight and narrow.

God of course plays a huge role in all of this and sometimes I wonder if taking medication for something like this is “ungodly” in some way but I like to think that God works through all of us including the people who created the medication that keeps me sane. Some may disagree but personally, I thank God I have medication in my life.

In closing, I do my best to take things day by day. With each day that passes I learn something new and I grow. It’s new and exciting but also unfamiliar and scary. I will stumble and fall in the process but just like Ariel, I will eventually learn to walk, use a fork properly and in the end, get my voice back. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle