Why I Don’t Want Children

Hey guys 🙂

I already wrote a post earlier but it’s been a rather slow night here on my night shift. I refuse to be bored, so I turn to my writing for comfort.

As a lady in my early/entering mid 30’s (I’ll be 34 in December) it seems that society encourages that I should really get on that baby train soon or I might miss it.

I need to stress before I go any further, this post is not about hating on mothers or children for that matter, it’s just for some of us, children are not in the cards.

For some, the reasons for not having children are beyond control and for others like me, it’s a conscious decision.

Let me also make note of the fact, that I consider myself to have been a mother already. When I was younger I had a miscarriage. It was a very difficult time.

The relationship I was in was not healthy/abusive and when I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend at the time didn’t seem all that shocked.

Did I mention that he admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose two weeks after I found out and right before I would be starting college?

Apparently, this was suppose to bring us “closer together”. I suppose you are questioning how could my ex have gotten me pregnant on purpose. Was there no birth control? Sigh, there was not at the time but there was trust (in that respect)…or at least there was suppose to be.

Miscarriages are all too common unfortunately but the loss is real and you never stop wondering about your child who could have been.

Before I found out I was pregnant, there was one night when my girlfriends and I decided to have a girls night out. I remember my boyfriend at the time was putting up a fuss that I wanted to go but I thought he was just being a jerk as things between us had been on a downward spiral for some time and so I went out, had drinks and a grand ole time.

This event would be thrown back in my face.

After my miscarriage, I had little support emotionally and otherwise from him.

One night, we had a huge argument regarding the event and in the heat of the moment he told me that I wouldn’t have lost the baby had I had stayed home that night.

To this day, that statement can still sting. That statement would keep me in a state of guilt and depression for some time.

How could he have the audacity to blame me when he knew before I left that night what he had already done?

The choice to have a baby was not mine in this case and despite that, I was excited and prepared to carry to term.

But the choice to keep the baby was taken from me. This would prove to be for the best but at the time it was devastating.

I felt violated, betrayed and I also felt completely out of control. Decisions were made for me without any consideration.

Not a good feeling.

My miscarriage experience landed me in the emergency room. I was hemorrhaging at a dangerous rate and there are some parts of that event that are still so vivid.

Two days before Christmas…five days before my birthday…

So yes, a rather dark story but the good news is, I persevered through that time in my life. ❤

For the most part, I have made peace with it all but it took a long time and sometimes it still haunts me 10 years later.

You never forget something like that but it is possible to move forward.

I have spent the majority of my life making the same mistakes over and over again. I spent the majority of my life mentally ill, unaware that I had bipolar disorder.

It has only been in the last year that I have truly started to get my life together and I have to tell you, this new found freedom, this healthier me, I love it and I want nothing or no one to interfere with that…and yes that includes children.

I don’t think I need to tell you that having a child is a lifelong commitment and while I will not argue with people the fact that kids are life changing and there’s nothing like it, that’s kind of my point. It is life changing, it is a huge commitment and if I am truly honest with myself, I want to commit to me for once.

I want my freedom.

I am not willing to commit to having a child. Is that selfish of me to say?

As a woman, sometimes you think people will frown upon that statement but I would rather be honest then cave to social pressures, use my body for it’s biological purpose but ultimately grow to resent my child in the process.

Speaking of social pressures, having a kid in this world we live in today?

No thanks.

I personally feel like the world is full of so much PC rhetoric that I honestly want no part of having to juggle a kid along with that…I read all these stories about the issues parents have had to deal with at their kid’s school for example…I don’t have patience for such things and I refuse to allow myself or my hypothetical child for that matter, get caught up in crap like that.

I have mentioned having bipolar disorder. My father and brother also have bipolar disorder. There is a hereditary component to the illness and personally, I don’t like the idea of putting my child at risk for that.

Sure, I would be able to see the signs faster than most and have it treated much earlier but again, if I am being honest, I have enough of a time taking care of myself in that department. I am not sure I could or want to handle having children based on that.

OK, so now for an obvious reason.

My husband to be had a vasectomy during a previous relationship so that kind of takes children off the table. I think in some cases the procedure can be reversed but as it turns out my fiance and I are both on the same page here so it’s really a non issue for us.

We have lived similar lives and we both feel the need to focus on ourselves and each other. We have stability in our lives and we’re really not willing to rock that boat. We get by financially and we’re comfortable for once.

Another reason I would rather not have a child…they cost a ton of money that would tip the financial scales out of our favor. I am not about to have a child I am not financially prepared for.

That being said, I love children. I am an aunt of 3 nephews, 1 niece and 1 niece on the way in November. I love being the cool aunt. ❤ I love being a mentor.

So I may not want children of my own but I certainly love the idea of being there for children who have been cast aside. It’s an epidemic and one that just should not be.

I can see myself one day adopting perhaps or even being a foster parent. I would rather help and love the children (so many) who are already here with no family, no place to turn, no love and security, than bring a new child into this world.

I don’t prefer to be a mother in the traditional sense but I feel I can certainly be a mother of sorts to children who really need one.

I will always advocate for children. ❤

They didn’t ask to be brought into this world and so it’s our duty as a society (I feel) to take care of the innocent before creating new innocents.

Again, this is not to “mom shame” anyone but we all have a story and this one happens to be mine. I know there are many women like myself afraid to speak up about the other side of the fence because it seems to be assumed that all women want to be mothers and that is simply just not true and I am here to tell you –

 

That is perfectly OK. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Letting Go Of “Daddy Issues”

Hey guys 🙂

I’m not exactly sure how I got to this topic but I think it’s one worth talking about.

The term “daddy issues” is usually directed towards women and their hot mess of past relationships…I should know, I would qualify as a women with said issues.

That being said, I don’t care for the term. It seems rather sexist in nature. A less than stellar father throws his daughter to the wolves and she has “daddy issues” yet it seems a man with the same type of father is extended some sympathy. Just my two cents.

The main point I want to make however is the fact that when the biological father dismisses his role it impacts the future of sons and daughters alike.

For example, my biological father was abusive towards my mother. Physically and emotionally. He was abusive in the same way towards me and my brothers. He cheated on my mother multiple times and ultimately his last cheating episode would be with my mother’s sister…yep…stay classy dad…

Oddly enough my father is still with my mother’s sister to this day and I can guarantee you she is being treated the same way my mother was…but hey she wanted him…she insisted on having him with no regard for anyone but herself…they deserve each other.

I have been home for a little over a year now and my father lives right here in this tiny town yet I have never crossed paths with him once…my brother had the “privilege”  of crossing paths with him at the mall one day…my father made brief eye contact and kept walking.

Despite this, I still wonder about my father. I feel that his current circumstances are a snowball of past ones.

My father had a very rough childhood. His father beat him, and when his mother ultimately left his father she would find herself  in a string of abusive relationships and would take my father along for the ride. No child should have to go through that.

Later in life, my father would be told he had what was then called manic depression. My father rejected this claim and never bothered to seek treatment. It’s unfortunate during that time, you still didn’t talk about things like mental illness.

I wonder what my father’s life would have been like if he had went ahead with treatment. At his core my father is not a bad person…he’s a lost one.

I have not spoken to or seen my father in nearly 13 years. I have a wonderful father figure in my life who I consider to be my father at this point. My mother managed to survive that whole ordeal and end up with a wonderful man. He’s wonderful to all of us and I have nothing but mad love for him ❤ It makes me happy to see my mother thrive after all she has been through. She deserves it and then some. ❤

That being said, I suppose I am somewhat traditional in nature. My father may have given up his title but he is still my father by blood. In between all the mess, my father and I did share some good times and I like to try and remember those little moments as opposed to all the negative ones.

I feel I managed to get some of his better traits. He is the type of man who will give you the clothes off his back. He used to have his own business repairing electronics and he was always good and fair to his customers. His people skills have always been through the roof and I like to think I inherited some of that.

My father is also incredibly smart…I like to think I got a little of that too.

He also introduced me to awesome music. Queen, CCR, Boston, Journey…the classics that I still love to this day.

Lastly, my father played an instrumental role in introducing me and my brother’s to God. We said our prayers with him at night. He would read the bible to us after supper. He was and I hope he still is, a firm believer in God and I sincerely hope God is watching over him.

I have to say both my parents play a part in my spiritual beliefs but I always felt like I had an extra bond with my father on that level.

I look at present day and I wonder when I will cross paths with my father again if ever. Perhaps at his funeral? Provided I even know about it. I know it sounds so morbid but when I do manage to talk about my father it’s always in past tense as if he has already passed away…

Fathers, don’t be a distant memory to your children. Don’t leave them with little moments that they will try to hang on to despite all you have put them through. Don’t let your past become your children’s.

I am not trying to take away the impact of a mother’s actions. It happens on both sides of the coin but there is something about a strong father including a father figure that is crucial to the development of a child. If you are a father with a difficult past, choose to rise above it and show your children what it really means to be a father. Be the one who breaks the cycle of abuse and start a new generation of healthy and happy adults…who will show their children the strong and awesome example you laid out for them ❤

Proverbs 20:7

The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him!

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share The Love!

Hey guys 🙂

I apologize for dropping off the blogosphere in the last two weeks. As some of you know, I started a new job and I have gone from not using my brain in 3 months to now having it stuffed to the brim with information. I love it but it has not given me tons of time to sit down and write. I will get my groove back as I adjust so please bear with me in the meantime. 😉

Now that I have that out of the way, I want to share something with you. I have connected with someone who I feel could help a lot of people here and someone who has helped so many already!

Her name is Shannon Marie and I would like to introduce who she is and what she does. 🙂

Shannon’s story is truly inspiring indeed! She has managed to take the dark moments in her life and turn them around and create her own business in the process. Shannon is in the business of empowering women. ❤

“I guide women to activate healing within so they can live life purposely on their spiritual journey”

Shannon is a Self-Love, Mindfulness & Personal Development Mentor. It is Shannon’s goal to help women like herself leave that dark cloud behind them. As women, it is so important that we lift each other up. Shannon’s mission is close to my heart as I can relate to her past on many levels including abusive relationships and substance abuse.

I invite you to learn more about Shannon by visiting her via the link below 🙂

http://www.shannonhipson.ca/

Also, it just so happens Shannon has a webinar coming up! 🙂

April 7th, 2017 @ 8PM Atlantic Time

Shannon Hipson

https://zoom.us/webinar/register/b8173d85775e0dc2cde7dc3c8da9331e

This would be a great way to meet, connect and support Shannon. I plan to attend myself so maybe I’ll see you there! ❤

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle