A Mixed Bag

Hey guys 🙂

I hope you’re all doing well ❤

Today, I have no real topic to present to you. Just me kinda talking about…well…stuff.

*Warning* It’s going to be really random…

Let’s see… Things have been going pretty good lately. No major bipolar episodes which is great. Sometimes I worry about that with the change of the season. Not sure if anyone else experiences that but if I make a point to keep track, I find certain times of the year are more “bipolary” than others.

Job is stable! Finally a job that is stable. Anyone who lives with mental illness of any kind can probably relate to the difficulties of finding stability in that area of their lives in particular.

For awhile there I was job hopping to the point I honestly just felt like a failure. I see people sticking to their jobs for years. They seem to be able to handle all the crap that comes with a job and I was barely making the first 3 months. For various reasons but bipolar disorder certainly played its part.

In a perfect world, I would like to quit smoking. Yes, I smoke. I know it’s bad. I don’t like that I smoke…yet I really don’t want to stop…yet I do…*sigh*

I have been missing church way more than I care to. The last time I missed church this much I was going through some major depression but since then I have just found it really difficult to get back into the swing of things.

That being said, regardless of church, I could stand to be saying my prayers more often. I don’t really “pray” I just sort of talk to God in my head. I don’t hear any voices reply so I figure that’s a good sign my mental health is fairly stable lol but God always responds to my prayers. I love God for that. He’s more action than talk. Sometimes He doesn’t act right away but on the bright side, it makes me exercise patience and faith. God acts when it truly counts.<3

You know what’s nice? Being in a relationship where big blow out fights are NOT the norm. Not even close. I was starting to think that didn’t exist. When you finally pull yourself out of that vicious cycle of constantly picking the wrong apples, you realize just how much of that can exasperate bipolar symptoms. Now that I am finally in a stable, loving relationship, sometimes I forget I even have bipolar disorder…of course I get reminders but not nearly as bad as before.

Regardless of your mental state…make a point to surround yourself with the right people…seriously, it makes a huge difference.

I keep a very small, tight knit circle of people around me. Mainly my family. This is in part because of the burns I suffered as a functioning alcoholic ( I was going to say borderline alcoholic but looking back, who am I kidding?)

I thought that the karaoke bar flies I mingled with were truly my friends…then one day I realized…I don’t know these people outside of the bar. I don’t know them by day or sober…I say and do stupid crap thinking it’s all fun and games. At the time, I thought my social life was truly booming. Oh yeah…I was the bees knees in my drunken book…

When I look back at that time, I don’t even know who that girl was…I’m past being ashamed about it but it’s still cringe worthy.

Not really sure why I brought that up but maybe I am working through my writer’s block in real time…like I said, this is going to be random lol

Speaking of random, is it just me or does Earl Grey tea smell like Fruit Loops? I love both ❤

Also, I have a confession to make…I’m a nerd. A gamer to be exact. My finance and I recently bought Elder Scrolls Online for our PS4…I loooove this game. ❤ If you are a fellow gamer and you don’t have Elder Scrolls Online, you are seriously missing out. Of course you have to be into MMORPG (Massive Multi Player Online Role Playing Game). Fellow nerds and gamers will totally get what I am saying here…the rest of you…just ignore this section of the post lol.

I promise this randomness is not mania by the way. I am on my night shift right now and totally bored. Super glad I enjoy writing. It passes the time and is therapeutic for me. A win win.

Speaking of therapeutic, music does the trick as well. I love when I am alone and can crank up the tunes and sign along…sometimes I do a little dance…it’s me time and something no one will ever witness lol

Music videos however…wow are they getting rather umm…demonic in nature. Like what is with all the devil worship? I feel like music videos have become rather pornographic with a dash of Illuminati symbolism…ok not a dash…blatant. I can’t be the only one who sees this…Like not long ago I saw Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” video and all I can say is…who made you go from “Teardrops On My Guitar” to umm…that?

And does anyone remember Kesha’s “Die Young” video? Super catchy tune but wow nothing like a santanic ritual to spice things up. It’s like all these pop songs have a very addictive melody while you watch…well… satan worship for lack of a better term and now she’s singing songs about praying and such… I’m confused…are we being brainwashed perhaps?

I guess at this point I need to stop rambling but I will leave you with this recap and words of wisdom:

  1. Know that God is watching over you. Always ❤
  2. Keep your friends close and your enemies as far away as possible.
  3. A healthy environment makes ALL the difference.
  4. If you live with mental illness or someone you care about does, keep the lines of communication open. It’s hard sometimes but it can literally save your life.
  5. The change of the seasons can affect mental illness. Be mindful of this.
  6. Don’t watch music videos? I’ll let you decide on that one.
  7. Earl Grey tea really does smell like Fruit Loops. I have decided this just now. Case closed.
  8. Being a nerd is OK. Embrace it ❤
  9. Smoking is bad…if you’re a smoker like me…I get it. It’s bad but don’t worry, you’re not ❤
  10. Taylor Swift went to the dark side…she said it herself “The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause she’s dead.”
  11. I love to sing and dance to music…when I’m alone…like totally alone lol
  12. This randomness is brought to you by night shift boredom. I hope it was somewhat entertaining/informative.

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Fork In The Road

Hey guys 🙂

To my fellow bloggers, I have reached a point that I think every writer dreads. I am not sure what direction I want to take my blog.

I feel like I am all over the map. Do I really want to keep blogging about having bipolar disorder? Do I want to continue a Christian theme on top of it?

I’m not sure…

When I first started this blog I worked hard at it for 2 years. I had over 1000 followers and then I had a major life change. I was convinced I didn’t want to blog anymore and so I pressed the delete button…2 years of work…gone.

Some time passed and I realized I wanted to keep blogging so I started Mental Break In Progress from scratch and for the last year I feel I have fallen completely flat.

My blog used to have direction. A rather clear message but now I’m not sure what message I want to put out there and it’s frustrating. People used to be active on my blog. Conversations were the norm. Now I hear crickets.

Perhaps I have written myself into a corner. I read blogging tips and they all say to stick to a theme. Have a clear direction. Does it really have to be that way? What if I just want to talk about random things? I have seen very successful bloggers who do just that.

Sometimes I think because of the 180 I took in my life (for the better) I no longer relate to the person I was when I started this blog. I tried to keep the same theme going. I started the blog shortly after receiving my diagnoses of bipolar disorder because I needed an outlet and have always loved writing but I have grown so much since then.

I don’t have the dire need to constantly talk about it anymore yet I still consider it to be an important topic as I feel there needs to be open conversation about mental illness in general.

I’m at a point in my life where I have let go of a lot of baggage. I’m in a healthy relationship. A wonderful one. I am closer to my family than ever before and most importantly I have restored my faith. It’s stronger than ever. That being said, I am still kind of discovering this new me.

I see the silver linings. I thrive on the positive now. I don’t feel the need to rehash the trials of my past…but that was my writing mojo…ugh…think Cavelle…think!

The irony of it all is that I have more time to write than ever before. I work as a night auditor and so it’s pretty quiet with not much to do. I should be full of writing ammo.

I guess time will tell?

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

My Back Yard

Dear God

Your presence is known with a gentle wind between the trees.

The warm loving sun beaming down on my face

Wisps of clouds and breathtaking sky

The deer You send me in the morning while the sun gently rises

The nature You provide in all its glory

In trust

For me

For us

Despite all my sins

You allow me peace through Your beauty

You blessed me with this gift

Because You know my struggles

You know my sins

Yet You still find a way to offer me peace in times of need

You make sure I know

You  are never far
You’re all around me

You’re my backyard  💖

Take Care &  God Bless 💖

Cavelle

The Persecution Of Today’s Christians

Hey guys 🙂

Long time no post but today I have to let this out because it’s been eating at me for awhile now.

I am not typically one to make waves but when I feel like my morals, values and beliefs are being stomped on simply because I won’t conform to certain mainstream thinking, I find it hard to sit back and let it happen.

Our current world preaches love, acceptance, free speech, self expression and unity…a global joining of hands. Yet as a Christian, in today’s society, I feel I might as well be burned at the stake for what I believe in and identify with.

My fellow brothers and sisters, this should come as no surprise. We are warned in the Bible that this would happen. As we prepare and wait for God’s return, we will be persecuted for what we believe more and more each day. It’s already happening at an alarming speed.

2 Timothy 3:12 

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,

We are being pushed into a global agenda that claims we should all accept the other for who they are, what they are, who they love, yet somewhere along the way, the Christian community got left out of this equation.

As a Christian, it seems as long as I am willing to shut up and put up with mainstream opinion, it’s Ok to be Christian. If I speak out, or promote an opinion that does not line up with the majority, I am unaccepting, unloving, unreasonable. I am a bigot, evil, selfish, ignorant, intolerant and the list could go on but I think you get my point.

One agenda currently at the front of it all is the transgender movement. Along with this movement, there is a genderless movement. Some people are identifying as aliens (no joke)

Just recently, the first birth certificate with no gender identification was issued right here in Canada. What has the world come to? It’s one thing to ask kids to decide which gender they most identify with before their first year of school, (which I don’t agree with) but to not even give the child a choice either way?

A new born child. They will never know or understand what it means to be a man or woman or even switch that role if they so choose. The parents made the decision of genderless for them before the child’s first words!

Where do we draw the line?

In other Canadian news, Nemis Quinn Mélançon-Golden of Montreal is an 8 year old drag queen. His parents (is it Ok to attach a gender label on this? I’m never sure anymore…) help him prepare for his shows.

I am going to tell you something…

At one point in time, I surrounded myself with many gay friends. I still have friends that are gay but what I am saying here is different….I was very much entrenched in the culture and lifestyle although not gay myself, I felt accepted in a time where I felt I didn’t belong anywhere and I don’t have any regrets there but I draw the line when you start putting kids in very adult and explicit situations.

One of my friends at the time was a drag queen. I used to go to shows thinking it was all great fun but after awhile you start to see the dark side of the drag community.

It’s derogatory in nature. If you think women are the stereotypical “catty” types, hang out with a drag queen for a day…or watch Rupaul’s Drag Race and listen to the insults and competitive low blows fly. It’s not completely exaggerated for TV folks, it is an accurate portrayal of a day in the life of a drag queen. At least from what I saw when I was around it.

The clubs I would go to were riddled with drugs and alcohol and yes most clubs are whether or not it’s a gay club. My point? You think it’s cute to encourage your 8 year old son to dress like a prostitute, be exposed to drag culture and perform provocative shows because “that’s who he is” Do you honestly know what you are exposing your child to? At 8 years old, does your child really know who they are?

No child on this planet should have to be exposed to explicit, adult content. This is not an innocent game of dress up. If you have seen a drag show it’s R rated at best. Highly sexual and explicit in nature yet the world rejoices as this little boy finds his identity as a drag queen. Aww, how adorable… This sounds more like child abuse to me.

In saying all this, I still come out of this the bad guy in most people’s eyes. Why? Because I don’t agree? I don’t have to agree. Just because I don’t agree does not make me a hater.

I am not interested in hate and this post is not about hate but if an 8 year old boy gets to be a drag queen and that is adored, encouraged and accepted then as a 33 year old woman, I am allowed to be a Christian and talk about it openly. In fact, I can talk about whatever I want…can’t I?

It works both ways (supposedly). The double standard and hypocrisy that exists around these ever changing agendas and forced acceptance is mind blowing.

You can be anything you want. Literally anything. If I wanted to identify as a toaster right now I could and probably get my birth certificate changed to prove I am in fact a toaster…but a Christian? Oh no, anything but that! That’s just pushing things too far…

1 Peter 4:4 

With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you;

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Don’t Have To Believe…

But don’t be an ass about it…

Hey guys 🙂

Today I was inspired to write this post based on something I read today on my facebook newsfeed it reads as follows…

“I just wanted to interrupt your scrolling to remind you that you are beautiful…

Also God doesn’t exist.”

There was much delight and a mockery of replies just egging the issue on which was the whole point of the post to begin with…simply to rile people up and basically slap believers in the face as if we’re fools or perhaps crazy to believe in God.

Many non believers will say this more times than I can count….

” I respect your beliefs just don’t cram them down my throat”

In other words shut up with your “God” talk.

However this post had little to no respect for a person’s beliefs and decided to cram their views down people’s throats publicly with the intent to mock those who believe and to me, that is just sad.

I believe in God, there have been times in my life where I have seriously questioned his existence but despite that, given the things that have happened to me in my life, I have reason to believe He exists. That’s my prerogative and anyone’s for that matter who chooses to believe or not.

I am not about to stoop to the same level and mock atheists simply because they think my beliefs are a bunch of garbage but I will call out people who use their words with the intent to hurt and attack peoples values and beliefs whether or not they believe it is truly hurtful. In this case it appears the people who participated in that post felt it was all great fun, even joking about going to hell.

To each their own I say. Why can’t it be left at that? It’s total hypocrisy to call out people’s beliefs as silly when you claim to have none of your own yet you post plenty of things about yoga and meditation etc…good for you there is nothing harmful or wrong in that but if I wanted to be “that” person I could start saying your yoga and meditation is nothing but hippy granola lululemon BS…pretentious even.

To the poster, my point is if you are going to dish it out you better be prepared to take it. I am surprised given the love of yoga and meditation you still don’t seem to understand the concept of karma at the very least.

Did I have to write this post in response? Nope. But I wanted to write this post because I am tired of people hitting others where it hurts just for a good laugh.

That’s Ok… Keep laughing 🙂

Jude 1:22

And have mercy on those who doubt…

 

Take Care ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

A Christian With Bipolar Disorder

Hey Guys 🙂

I feel like I keep apologizing for this each time I post, but I am sorry for my absence lately.

I have been thinking a lot. There have been many changes going on in my life at the moment. Good changes but not without its growing pains.

To those of you who read my blog and relate to the challenges of mental illness, I am sure some of you can relate to what I am about to tell you.

As someone with bipolar disorder, I have moments where I have all the energy in the world. I can multitask like nobody’s business and about 3 hours sleep is all I need. I become super social and everything is rainbows and butterflies.Too bad those periods of mania couldn’t last a little longer!

Currently, I can safely say, I am not going through a manic phase right now. More like a “I don’t care” phase. Not super depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts or anything like that but just simply “blah”. Low energy, lack of motivation, lack of appetite. Content to hibernate in my house. It’s nothing personal…it just is.

I can feel this indifference starting to lift hence why you see this post today. I am slowly but surely starting to have the drive to write again but here’s the thing. I cannot promise consistent posting at this time.

I have tried this before and eventually I have to just go away for a bit. The catch 22 of the disorder. Trying to find balance and consistency. It’s certainly not easy and hands down the biggest frustration I have with bipolar disorder.

So yeah, if you see me fall of the map for a little bit, chances are I am going through a low period.

Like I mentioned earlier, I have been thinking a lot. I have been noting some of the ways having bipolar disorder effects things like my work, interests, activities, my relationships and yes even my faith in God.

Before I really started embracing my faith, I never really gave this concept much thought but I am starting to see that my faith becomes altered depending on which end of the bipolar spectrum I’m on.

For the most part, things are fairly balanced. I take medication. I see my doctors on a consistent basis. Despite that, it’s not a cure. I am still going to have bipolar moments.

When I experience mania, I notice my faith and desire to keep God at the top of my list quite easy. I make note of Him everyday. I am more willing to contribute and going to church is a happy social event for me.

When I am experiencing the depression side of things, I start to question my faith, going to church becomes a challenge, the main reason being, I don’t feel comfortable around people during that time. The public social outing I normally enjoy becomes riddled with anxiety and a lack of interest in general.

Sometimes I wonder, is it possible to be a true follower of God when your views and beliefs tend to shift because of mental illness?

I guess I throw the question out there because I honestly don’t know the answer. All I do know is I believe in God and I believe He is with me always. I have been posed the question “Are you a fan or a follower of God” At this point, I know I am not a true follower if I measure it against a list of criteria, however at the end of the day I do believe.

My fear is, if being a true follower requires more than simply believing then how I am ever going to achieve follower status when my brain has shifts in mood and thought that are sometimes very hard to control?

I would enjoy any thoughts or discussions on the matter. Am I the only one who has pondered this? Are there other Christians out there living with mental illness who face the same struggle?

Take Care ❤

Cavelle

Mustard Seeds To Mountains

 

Hey guys 🙂

I am feeling so blessed right now. It’s amazing how God answers prayers that you didn’t even know needed answering.

Since turning back to God nearly a year ago, it’s surreal at times how much my life has changed for the better. I have to say, aside from meeting my soulmate, going back to church has been a big part of this change.

Before that moment, you would not have seen me in church. I had no interest. In fact, I was cynical about the idea.

2 Timothy 3:1-5

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

Wow Timothy, brutal words my friend. I can’t say I was all of those things but it stings to read this verse and in hindsight realise, I was one of those people you should avoid. I have always had good in my heart but God was not at the top like He should have been. He was more like a pang in my heart that I kept shoving down.

Turning back to  God was terrifying for me at first. I was at a rather low point in my life but…

Sometimes-God-lets-you-hit-rock-bottom

It’s never God’s intention to punish us. We are His children and like any parent there comes a time when you have to let your children go out into the world and hope they will take with them all the lessons you have taught them. God has that same hope and he’s waiting for you despite all of your mistakes and shortcomings. You think this would be an easy concept to understand but it was difficult for me to accept.

When I started going back to church, I became painfully aware of my sins. It had nothing to do with people in the church judging me (a misconception I had about church). On the contrary, I was accepted with open arms…new territory for me. I had never had that kind of support before.

I spent the first few months of church crying nearly every Sunday. The whole experience was overwhelming. All the emotions I felt as I started to face myself for the first time, knowing I had brushed aside God’s love. My faith had been suppressed for so long. I felt shame and guilt but also an overwhelming release of negativity.

As time passes, my faith in God becomes stronger more and more each day. My church is beyond supportive of this relatively new journey. I don’t feel like I am walking alone anymore. There are people who are more than happy to walk with me and cheer me on. It makes me cry for a totally different reason now. Tears of joy for a change.

What a difference it makes when you let go of the people in your life that hinder your faith and in turn, surround yourself with people who are not ashamed to walk with God and actually want to walk with Him. It was a huge step for me to walk through the church doors knowing the last time I went to this church, I was a child.

Now that my faith in God and the support of my church is a constant in my life, there is simply no way I can turn back. I am hanging on for dear life and God is not about to let go of my hand…it reminds me of the first time I was able to swim in the deep end of the pool without having to cling to the edge. God is my swim coach. ❤

What I take away from this transformation is that God is willing to work with even the smallest inkling of His presence in your life. There are times I still have to give myself a shake and realize that no, I am not dreaming.

As you build on your faith, God starts throwing more and more blessings your way. Sometimes we think we have to pray for these blessings and yes, prayer is vital but God I have discovered, is a cool guy. He likes to throw out random blessings just because. Bonus blessings if you will.

That’s what God has done for me and my fiance recently. We’re getting married this summer. Sooner than we had originally planned for.

I thought planning this wedding was going to be stressful but the outpouring of support in my church has made me realise there are truly good people in this world who are ready, willing and able to help.

My fiance and I are not used to this and we don’t even expect it yet there it is right in front of our face and it’s been there the whole time. We just needed to get real with ourselves. Get real with God and be true to ourselves for a change instead of compromising with people who are so far removed from our core values and most of all our faith in God.

If I had one piece of advice for anyone out there on the fence about their faith, just know that God has left you a trail of mustard seeds to follow. These mustard seeds lead to a mountain and if you are willing to climb that mountain, God is waiting for you at the top. Sky’s the limit after that and when God returns, there is a place for you beyond your wildest dreams. ❤

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle