Share A Prayer

Hey guys 🙂

Today, like everyday, I need to pray.

I usually keep my prayers and my faith somewhat private but I feel the need to write it down. I am overdue for a good long prayer. Writing is my main therapy and so I hope you will join me as I pray…even if you don’t believe, there is power in prayer ❤

Dear Lord,

You know my struggles well. You have helped me every step of the way and I thank You for that. ❤

Sometimes, despite what I have to be grateful for, what You have given me, I still find myself in the dark.

Useless worrying, confusion and emotions I can’t explain.

Four months ago I reached out to You in a big way and in turn, You answered my prayers in a big way. It restored my faith on a whole new level. I can’t thank You enough for that. ❤

I find myself in the middle of a new journey and so much has happened in that time, a short time really. I am facing my pain now, I am facing myself and sometimes I find myself floundering about wondering if I will ever surface the depths of this pain I have numbed for years.

Lord, You know as well as I do that I did everything in my power to numb the pain and I am sorry that during that time I did not fully turn to You for Your guidance. Please forgive me and give me the strength I need to forgive myself. You were always there. In my heart and in my gut, You made sure I would not fully let go of Your hand.

I find myself facing life head on for the first time in years. You saw to it that I would, because I turned to You…finally.

The dust has settled and I am left with raw sobriety. I question my mental illness at times. I question the medication, I question the doctors and what the next move should be so I turn to You.

I pray for those also facing the pain in their life for perhaps the first time in a long time. I pray You watch over them like You have me and my family. I pray that You continue to hold my hand because I am reaching out with both of them this time as I need a spiritual hug from You like never before.

The world as a whole is changing in ways I can’t explain. Take recent world events and I find myself praying for America and the world at large.

The world is hurting.

I pray that You give me the strength and courage to post this prayer because You know I struggle with sharing this side of myself for fear of what others will think…but that is a disservice to You. Why should I hide my faith in You any longer? You deserve better from me…

I pray that I get through this day and the next. One day at a time. With You and prayer I will do my best to stand strong despite my weaknesses. I realise You do not ask for perfection, simply faith. You don’t make things difficult, I do. I do that to myself when all I have to do is turn to You.

In closing Lord, I hope this prayer reaches the people who need it. I feel at peace with my prayer and feel ready to start my day. Thank You ❤

Amen

No Words…Just Emotions

Hey guys 🙂

So Monday is here again which means normally I would be posting Monday Mantra.

Today’s mantra is not so much a mantra as it is me needing to connect. I’ve been hurting inside. More than I realised. Last night I think was the first night I truly cried about everything and anything since making my life changing move 4 months ago.

I try my best to be a positive person. We should all strive for that but part of being a positive person is allowing ourselves to let go of the not so good stuff.

In the last two weeks, many things that I thought I had a handle on started to crumble. It’s funny how a series of seemingly small events can add up to one giant title wave of emotion and wow did that wave come crashing down hard.

Since being taken off my medication for anxiety a month ago, I felt like I didn’t have my usual armor to shield me from such overwhelming emotions. You feel like you have no skin and everything that touches you is raw…it hurts.

I’ve prayed more since my breakup and move across the country. It’s funny how God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way we expect Him to. In my case I thought I could just cry alone and pray and that God would make everything go away…turns out that’s not quite how things work.

In the end I found myself finally letting things go in the arms of a true angel. I am with a man who knows me better than I know myself at times. I was not expecting to find such a wonderful person when I made the move to start over. I was not even looking for a man let alone another relationship but he’s been there for me every step of the way. In ways I didn’t even know I needed but he knows and this time he didn’t allow me to bottle things up… That is love beyond compare in my eyes.

So I cried, and cried…and…you get the idea…

The thing is, sometimes there are no words for the hurt in your life. Sometimes it’s all just emotions and it’s so important to find a safe place to let those emotions go. Writing has always been an outlet for me in that regard because I express myself better in writing than I do in person. I know there are others out there with no words… just emotions…who may not want to or feel like writing but who need read the words of another knowing there is someone out there who can relate.

So I find myself today starting fresh despite the recent tears of yesterday. I choose to take things one day at a time…one minute at a time if need be. There is no shame in that. For those of you out there who may be hurting with no place to turn just know that I feel you and if you feel you can connect with me than please do. We all need a safe place to go when times get tough.

Like I mentioned earlier, it’s important to let the bad stuff go so that we can make room for the good stuff/people in our lives.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

Take Care ❤

Cavelle

Know The Difference

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going through a medication change and would be seeing a therapist soon. I thought I would update on how that went.

I was lucky enough this week to see a psychologist. First time I have seen one since my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder back in 2014.

The only problem is, the hospital was suppose to send me to a psychiatrist.

What’s the difference?

Well, there is a big difference actually…

For starters, a psychologist cannot prescribe medication as they focus on the cognitive therapy end of things. They are primarily there to talk to and offer an objective point of view and offer coping skills.

A psychiatrist deals with the medical side of things. They focus on treatment with medication and monitor medical symptoms related to mental illness. They are not overly interested in talking about let’s say your childhood for example.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not upset that I finally got to talk to a psychologist. I have needed talk therapy for awhile now but the problem is, my prescription is almost done (2 weeks to go) and I am out of refills.

My psychologist apologised for the mix up on their end and said he will do his best to speed up the process of getting me into psychiatry but he’s not entirely sure he can make things happen in 2 weeks time.

It’s not his fault this mix up has happened but based on the fact my last visit to the hospital (outpatients)  involved taking me off cipralex and seroquel and putting me on a starting dose of olanzapine for 3 months…I feel it should have been obvious to the hospital that I needed a psychiatrist ASAP.

The withdrawal from no cipralex has been unpleasant to say the least. It’s been nearly a month and things are just starting to balance out but my anxiety has been hard to manage without it.

Seroquel to olanzapine has resulted in a weight gain of easily 20lbs (I think more but I don’t dare to weight myself)  because now I crave sugar like crazy which I’ve never been a sweets person…I like chips…but yeah I was told by my psychologist that olanzapine is notorious for sugar cravings resulting in weight gain.

Yay…

When I look on the last 4 months, my head is spinning a bit. So much has happened and all I need is a re evaluation of my medication…which has been through several changes in a 4 month span leaving me all over the place…just needed to see a psychiatrist but noooo I get sent to a psychologist who cannot do anything for me regarding my medication.

Can you say frustrating?

This is why I write folks…

I hope that by shedding some light on my current situation, it will help educate others who may be confused by psychologist or psychiatrist. There is a difference and it’s important to know the difference…I’m talking to you hospital staff in particular…

Take Care ❤

Cavelle

 

I only smoke when I drink…

That used to be me…I would only have a cigarette if there was a drink in my hand to go with it.

Turns out, I had a drinking problem…

In hindsight, I was dipping my toe into the dark side of life and it gradually transformed into bad habits like smoking, drinking, overeating and hanging out with the wrong people. It didn’t matter where, when or with who.

This was long before I would receive my bipolar disorder diagnoses. When I look back on my life before medication entered it, I am not sure how I am still standing. Oh wait, yes I know…. it’s the meds…a good chunk of the reason at least.

That negative part of my life seems like a dream.

As I am currently going through a medication withdrawal, I seem to have lost my center. The dream seems real now and I keep having to remind myself that there is nothing to be afraid of.

It’s moments like this that I find myself praying. Prayer whether you consider yourself  to be a religious person or not, is powerful. Prayer helps you focus, it calms your mind and keeps you present. Prayer keeps you in check.

Another way I like to keep the junk in my head at bay is by writing about it. It helps me to organize my thoughts and view them from a more objective standpoint.

I always feel better after I write. I am starting to feel better already as I bring this post to a close.

I would like to write and share a small prayer/poem that maybe helpful. There is power in prayer and even more power in numbers…

Ease my mind this day

For I am here to pray

I pray my worries wash away

That only the light may resume its stay

 

Take Care ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

Starting Over

Where do I begin?

I guess should backtrack to a few months ago when I decided to shut Mental Break-In Progress down permanently and without warning…

I apologise for that sudden drop off the blogosphere. I was going through quite the life changing moment and I was purging many things out of my life as a result. At the time, I truly thought my blog was one of the things that needed to go.

Turns out it’s not.

Back in July, I ended a six year relationship. Out of the six years, about four of them were attached to an engagement relationship status.

As a result of this breakup, I decided the best course of action was to move 4000 miles across the country back to my hometown so I could be closer to my family and start fresh. I was tired of city life by this point so small town living was looking really good to me.

Instead of going into all the dirty details regarding this breakup/move I am going to skip it. This blog is public and I don’t feel like dragging anyone through the mud like Taylor Swift does every time she breaks up with someone.

Truth is what’s done is done and by making this move, it turns out many things were waiting for me when I arrived home. Family, friends, support, love….yup…love of my life was in my home town this whole time. We met through my brother and well, things took off from there.

Some may feel I did not allow myself enough time to process the breakup before moving forward. To that I say…my previous relationship fizzled out probably a good year before I actually decided to call it quits so in my eyes the break up was not some fresh open wound…this had been coming for awhile and both parties involved knew it…it’s just neither one of us wanted to admit it…I’m sure many of you out there can relate. You stick it out because you’re afraid to let it go.

Through this whole process. I feel like I am learning how to walk again. All the action that’s happened in the last 3 months has prompted me to change medications and seek out a proper therapist which I am happy to report that I finally get to see one next week.

For those of you battling your own mental illness, medication change can equal chaos…at least at first. I have been going through withdrawal and it’s been overwhelming at times. I am thankful to be in a relationship with someone that truly gets it as he has been down this road before.

I think for now this is where I will sign off. If you’re going through some not so pleasant life changes right now just know that I am rooting for you. They say trouble comes in three’s but I like to believe the good follows at the same rate. It’s just a matter of time.

Take Care! ❤

Cavelle