Hey guys 🙂
I already wrote a post earlier but it’s been a rather slow night here on my night shift. I refuse to be bored, so I turn to my writing for comfort.
As a lady in my early/entering mid 30’s (I’ll be 34 in December) it seems that society encourages that I should really get on that baby train soon or I might miss it.
I need to stress before I go any further, this post is not about hating on mothers or children for that matter, it’s just for some of us, children are not in the cards.
For some, the reasons for not having children are beyond control and for others like me, it’s a conscious decision.
Let me also make note of the fact, that I consider myself to have been a mother already. When I was younger I had a miscarriage. It was a very difficult time.
The relationship I was in was not healthy/abusive and when I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend at the time didn’t seem all that shocked.
Did I mention that he admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose two weeks after I found out and right before I would be starting college?
Apparently, this was suppose to bring us “closer together”. I suppose you are questioning how could my ex have gotten me pregnant on purpose. Was there no birth control? Sigh, there was not at the time but there was trust (in that respect)…or at least there was suppose to be.
Miscarriages are all too common unfortunately but the loss is real and you never stop wondering about your child who could have been.
Before I found out I was pregnant, there was one night when my girlfriends and I decided to have a girls night out. I remember my boyfriend at the time was putting up a fuss that I wanted to go but I thought he was just being a jerk as things between us had been on a downward spiral for some time and so I went out, had drinks and a grand ole time.
This event would be thrown back in my face.
After my miscarriage, I had little support emotionally and otherwise from him.
One night, we had a huge argument regarding the event and in the heat of the moment he told me that I wouldn’t have lost the baby had I had stayed home that night.
To this day, that statement can still sting. That statement would keep me in a state of guilt and depression for some time.
How could he have the audacity to blame me when he knew before I left that night what he had already done?
The choice to have a baby was not mine in this case and despite that, I was excited and prepared to carry to term.
But the choice to keep the baby was taken from me. This would prove to be for the best but at the time it was devastating.
I felt violated, betrayed and I also felt completely out of control. Decisions were made for me without any consideration.
Not a good feeling.
My miscarriage experience landed me in the emergency room. I was hemorrhaging at a dangerous rate and there are some parts of that event that are still so vivid.
Two days before Christmas…five days before my birthday…
So yes, a rather dark story but the good news is, I persevered through that time in my life. ❤
For the most part, I have made peace with it all but it took a long time and sometimes it still haunts me 10 years later.
You never forget something like that but it is possible to move forward.
I have spent the majority of my life making the same mistakes over and over again. I spent the majority of my life mentally ill, unaware that I had bipolar disorder.
It has only been in the last year that I have truly started to get my life together and I have to tell you, this new found freedom, this healthier me, I love it and I want nothing or no one to interfere with that…and yes that includes children.
I don’t think I need to tell you that having a child is a lifelong commitment and while I will not argue with people the fact that kids are life changing and there’s nothing like it, that’s kind of my point. It is life changing, it is a huge commitment and if I am truly honest with myself, I want to commit to me for once.
I want my freedom.
I am not willing to commit to having a child. Is that selfish of me to say?
As a woman, sometimes you think people will frown upon that statement but I would rather be honest then cave to social pressures, use my body for it’s biological purpose but ultimately grow to resent my child in the process.
Speaking of social pressures, having a kid in this world we live in today?
I personally feel like the world is full of so much PC rhetoric that I honestly want no part of having to juggle a kid along with that…I read all these stories about the issues parents have had to deal with at their kid’s school for example…I don’t have patience for such things and I refuse to allow myself or my hypothetical child for that matter, get caught up in crap like that.
I have mentioned having bipolar disorder. My father and brother also have bipolar disorder. There is a hereditary component to the illness and personally, I don’t like the idea of putting my child at risk for that.
Sure, I would be able to see the signs faster than most and have it treated much earlier but again, if I am being honest, I have enough of a time taking care of myself in that department. I am not sure I could or want to handle having children based on that.
OK, so now for an obvious reason.
My husband to be had a vasectomy during a previous relationship so that kind of takes children off the table. I think in some cases the procedure can be reversed but as it turns out my fiance and I are both on the same page here so it’s really a non issue for us.
We have lived similar lives and we both feel the need to focus on ourselves and each other. We have stability in our lives and we’re really not willing to rock that boat. We get by financially and we’re comfortable for once.
Another reason I would rather not have a child…they cost a ton of money that would tip the financial scales out of our favor. I am not about to have a child I am not financially prepared for.
That being said, I love children. I am an aunt of 3 nephews, 1 niece and 1 niece on the way in November. I love being the cool aunt. ❤ I love being a mentor.
So I may not want children of my own but I certainly love the idea of being there for children who have been cast aside. It’s an epidemic and one that just should not be.
I can see myself one day adopting perhaps or even being a foster parent. I would rather help and love the children (so many) who are already here with no family, no place to turn, no love and security, than bring a new child into this world.
I don’t prefer to be a mother in the traditional sense but I feel I can certainly be a mother of sorts to children who really need one.
I will always advocate for children. ❤
They didn’t ask to be brought into this world and so it’s our duty as a society (I feel) to take care of the innocent before creating new innocents.
Again, this is not to “mom shame” anyone but we all have a story and this one happens to be mine. I know there are many women like myself afraid to speak up about the other side of the fence because it seems to be assumed that all women want to be mothers and that is simply just not true and I am here to tell you –
That is perfectly OK. ❤
Take Care & God Bless ❤