Stinkin’ Thinkin’ (Romans 12:2)

Too good not to share! For those of us who have suffered the hands of abuse and are trying to overcome that time in your life….or even if you are trying to get out of it right now, you will find this post highly relate able. I know I did! 🙂 ❤

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The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

After years of abuse, many victims have been almost brainwashed into continued “stinkin’ thinkin'”. Even though their abusers may be out of the picture, their minds have a way of thinking negative instead of positive. This “stinkin’ thinkin'” has to stop… so we have to transform our minds. We do this by holding every thought captive… and only coming into agreement with good thoughts. It’s not easy… but then we are all a “work in progress”.

Stinkin’ Thinkin’…
is the words I would hear.
When I was depressed,
with confusion and fear.

 Stop that stinkin’ thinkin’…
is what my sister would say…
when I was crying and upset
and not able to get through the day.

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What About The “About” Page?

Hey guys 🙂

Taking the night off as far as delving into a deep topic post but that being said, one thing I noticed about my blog this morning is that my “about” page was in need of some TLC and so I revamped it and thought I would share 🙂

About Me

After making some adjustments, it made me realize that I visit blogs all the time with no “about” page and I have always wondered why bloggers neglect such a good opportunity to make a first impression and connect with other bloggers.

I am far from a blogging pro but I feel like this one section of your blog should be completed before anything else. I want to know a little bit about you first before I dive into your writing…feed my curiosity! I want to get to know you 😀

So yeah, I guess if I had a blogging tip to throw out there it would be to make an “about” page. It sets the tone for your whole blog and well worth the effort 🙂

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

Why I Don’t Want Children

Hey guys 🙂

I already wrote a post earlier but it’s been a rather slow night here on my night shift. I refuse to be bored, so I turn to my writing for comfort.

As a lady in my early/entering mid 30’s (I’ll be 34 in December) it seems that society encourages that I should really get on that baby train soon or I might miss it.

I need to stress before I go any further, this post is not about hating on mothers or children for that matter, it’s just for some of us, children are not in the cards.

For some, the reasons for not having children are beyond control and for others like me, it’s a conscious decision.

Let me also make note of the fact, that I consider myself to have been a mother already. When I was younger I had a miscarriage. It was a very difficult time.

The relationship I was in was not healthy/abusive and when I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend at the time didn’t seem all that shocked.

Did I mention that he admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose two weeks after I found out and right before I would be starting college?

Apparently, this was suppose to bring us “closer together”. I suppose you are questioning how could my ex have gotten me pregnant on purpose. Was there no birth control? Sigh, there was not at the time but there was trust (in that respect)…or at least there was suppose to be.

Miscarriages are all too common unfortunately but the loss is real and you never stop wondering about your child who could have been.

Before I found out I was pregnant, there was one night when my girlfriends and I decided to have a girls night out. I remember my boyfriend at the time was putting up a fuss that I wanted to go but I thought he was just being a jerk as things between us had been on a downward spiral for some time and so I went out, had drinks and a grand ole time.

This event would be thrown back in my face.

After my miscarriage, I had little support emotionally and otherwise from him.

One night, we had a huge argument regarding the event and in the heat of the moment he told me that I wouldn’t have lost the baby had I had stayed home that night.

To this day, that statement can still sting. That statement would keep me in a state of guilt and depression for some time.

How could he have the audacity to blame me when he knew before I left that night what he had already done?

The choice to have a baby was not mine in this case and despite that, I was excited and prepared to carry to term.

But the choice to keep the baby was taken from me. This would prove to be for the best but at the time it was devastating.

I felt violated, betrayed and I also felt completely out of control. Decisions were made for me without any consideration.

Not a good feeling.

My miscarriage experience landed me in the emergency room. I was hemorrhaging at a dangerous rate and there are some parts of that event that are still so vivid.

Two days before Christmas…five days before my birthday…

So yes, a rather dark story but the good news is, I persevered through that time in my life. ❤

For the most part, I have made peace with it all but it took a long time and sometimes it still haunts me 10 years later.

You never forget something like that but it is possible to move forward.

I have spent the majority of my life making the same mistakes over and over again. I spent the majority of my life mentally ill, unaware that I had bipolar disorder.

It has only been in the last year that I have truly started to get my life together and I have to tell you, this new found freedom, this healthier me, I love it and I want nothing or no one to interfere with that…and yes that includes children.

I don’t think I need to tell you that having a child is a lifelong commitment and while I will not argue with people the fact that kids are life changing and there’s nothing like it, that’s kind of my point. It is life changing, it is a huge commitment and if I am truly honest with myself, I want to commit to me for once.

I want my freedom.

I am not willing to commit to having a child. Is that selfish of me to say?

As a woman, sometimes you think people will frown upon that statement but I would rather be honest then cave to social pressures, use my body for it’s biological purpose but ultimately grow to resent my child in the process.

Speaking of social pressures, having a kid in this world we live in today?

No thanks.

I personally feel like the world is full of so much PC rhetoric that I honestly want no part of having to juggle a kid along with that…I read all these stories about the issues parents have had to deal with at their kid’s school for example…I don’t have patience for such things and I refuse to allow myself or my hypothetical child for that matter, get caught up in crap like that.

I have mentioned having bipolar disorder. My father and brother also have bipolar disorder. There is a hereditary component to the illness and personally, I don’t like the idea of putting my child at risk for that.

Sure, I would be able to see the signs faster than most and have it treated much earlier but again, if I am being honest, I have enough of a time taking care of myself in that department. I am not sure I could or want to handle having children based on that.

OK, so now for an obvious reason.

My husband to be had a vasectomy during a previous relationship so that kind of takes children off the table. I think in some cases the procedure can be reversed but as it turns out my fiance and I are both on the same page here so it’s really a non issue for us.

We have lived similar lives and we both feel the need to focus on ourselves and each other. We have stability in our lives and we’re really not willing to rock that boat. We get by financially and we’re comfortable for once.

Another reason I would rather not have a child…they cost a ton of money that would tip the financial scales out of our favor. I am not about to have a child I am not financially prepared for.

That being said, I love children. I am an aunt of 3 nephews, 1 niece and 1 niece on the way in November. I love being the cool aunt. ❤ I love being a mentor.

So I may not want children of my own but I certainly love the idea of being there for children who have been cast aside. It’s an epidemic and one that just should not be.

I can see myself one day adopting perhaps or even being a foster parent. I would rather help and love the children (so many) who are already here with no family, no place to turn, no love and security, than bring a new child into this world.

I don’t prefer to be a mother in the traditional sense but I feel I can certainly be a mother of sorts to children who really need one.

I will always advocate for children. ❤

They didn’t ask to be brought into this world and so it’s our duty as a society (I feel) to take care of the innocent before creating new innocents.

Again, this is not to “mom shame” anyone but we all have a story and this one happens to be mine. I know there are many women like myself afraid to speak up about the other side of the fence because it seems to be assumed that all women want to be mothers and that is simply just not true and I am here to tell you –

 

That is perfectly OK. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Christian With Bipolar Disorder (Extended Edition)

Hey guys 🙂

I was reading through some of my older blog posts this evening and I noticed one that keeps getting hits long after I wrote it so in light of that, I thought I would expand on that post.

If you’re interested in reading the older post, click on the link below –

A Christian With Bipolar Disorder

In that post, I discussed some of the personal challenges I face in regards to keeping my faith strong while living with Bipolar Disorder.

Honestly, I didn’t think it was one of my best pieces but as it turns out it received great responses and more people were able to relate to this topic than I thought.

Living with Bipolar Disorder certainly has its challenges and stigma. Add a dash of faith in God and the challenges and stigma easily doubles.

In the past, I have talked about the persecution of Christians in today’s society. Not just Christians but honestly anyone who chooses to believe in God. Those of us who believe know that as time goes on, that persecution is destined to get worse.

2 Timothy 3:12

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted…

Personally, I desire to live a godly life. Am I good at that? Not really if I’m being honest. I screw up all the time but one thing I can say with confidence is that I am a resilient person.

In fact, I believe people who live with mental illness have an edge in that respect. The internal battle mental illness can bring day after day…to the point some people would rather take their own life…and do… but there are also so many of us who have managed to survive that battle. In some cases multiple times.

I thank God for my survival. ❤

You know, I was reading some material about Freud and his take on religion. As if the balancing act was difficult enough, the father of psychology states that God is merely an illusion…

Image result for Freud

Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires…

 

It could be ventured to understand obsessive compulsive neurosis as the pathological counterpart of religious development, to define neurosis as an individual religiosity; to define religion as a universal obsessive compulsive neurosis…

 

 

The whole thing (religion) is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life… 

 

And my “favorite”…

I regard myself as one of the most dangerous enemies of religion…

 

It’s interesting to note that Freud was born in Austria to a large Jewish family. His nanny was a devout catholic who took him to church every Sunday. Aside from that, Freud fled Nazis persecution and died shortly before World War 2.

As I find with a lot of Atheists, they don’t believe yet are fascinated with the subject. In this case I feel Freud’s take on religion is entirely based on his personal upbringing. If religion was introduced from a young age and in turn rejected, there is a reason for that and from what I noticed, people who reject God seem to be bitter about something. I could be wrong but it’s something that has stood out to me over time.

Freud is indeed dangerous in this regard as he states himself. He is one of the most prominent figures in psychology. Most people take his findings/opinions as the “bible” truth.

As if the stigma of having a mental illness isn’t enough, we now have to deal with a man  who’s words carry much weight even to this day and work hard against the Christian.

Hmm, I wonder what words from men of the past also carry much weight even to this day.

The bible comes to mind but remember, I’m delusional so believe what I say with caution…

So let me get this straight, I have Bipolar Disorder and apparently an obsessive compulsive, infantile mental state on top of it simply because I believe in God.

There is more than one article out there that correlates religion and mental illness. This does not surprise me at all given the state of our current world. It’s much easier to write off Christians as mentally ill then to think maybe they have a point…or a brain for that matter.

This just ties in with the mass persecution I spoke of earlier. Most Christians simply want to live in peace. Most are not banging down your door trying to shove their beliefs down your throat. Most are kind and are not running around killing people over the matter and many (are you ready for this?) are not mentally ill.

In part, you can thank the media for promoting such stigmas.

It blows my mind that in a world that currently promotes and borderline forces you to accept all for who they are without question, Christians still get some of worst ridicule…and for what exactly? How can there be such a double standard?

Apparently, I can’t believe in God without my mental health coming into question yet I could certainly question the mental health of people who currently ride the massive accept all/no questions train.

 

Freud makes yet another quote which I will leave you with…

…Religion’s eleventh commandment is “Thou shalt not question”…

Interesting…

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting Go Of “Daddy Issues”

Hey guys 🙂

I’m not exactly sure how I got to this topic but I think it’s one worth talking about.

The term “daddy issues” is usually directed towards women and their hot mess of past relationships…I should know, I would qualify as a women with said issues.

That being said, I don’t care for the term. It seems rather sexist in nature. A less than stellar father throws his daughter to the wolves and she has “daddy issues” yet it seems a man with the same type of father is extended some sympathy. Just my two cents.

The main point I want to make however is the fact that when the biological father dismisses his role it impacts the future of sons and daughters alike.

For example, my biological father was abusive towards my mother. Physically and emotionally. He was abusive in the same way towards me and my brothers. He cheated on my mother multiple times and ultimately his last cheating episode would be with my mother’s sister…yep…stay classy dad…

Oddly enough my father is still with my mother’s sister to this day and I can guarantee you she is being treated the same way my mother was…but hey she wanted him…she insisted on having him with no regard for anyone but herself…they deserve each other.

I have been home for a little over a year now and my father lives right here in this tiny town yet I have never crossed paths with him once…my brother had the “privilege”  of crossing paths with him at the mall one day…my father made brief eye contact and kept walking.

Despite this, I still wonder about my father. I feel that his current circumstances are a snowball of past ones.

My father had a very rough childhood. His father beat him, and when his mother ultimately left his father she would find herself  in a string of abusive relationships and would take my father along for the ride. No child should have to go through that.

Later in life, my father would be told he had what was then called manic depression. My father rejected this claim and never bothered to seek treatment. It’s unfortunate during that time, you still didn’t talk about things like mental illness.

I wonder what my father’s life would have been like if he had went ahead with treatment. At his core my father is not a bad person…he’s a lost one.

I have not spoken to or seen my father in nearly 13 years. I have a wonderful father figure in my life who I consider to be my father at this point. My mother managed to survive that whole ordeal and end up with a wonderful man. He’s wonderful to all of us and I have nothing but mad love for him ❤ It makes me happy to see my mother thrive after all she has been through. She deserves it and then some. ❤

That being said, I suppose I am somewhat traditional in nature. My father may have given up his title but he is still my father by blood. In between all the mess, my father and I did share some good times and I like to try and remember those little moments as opposed to all the negative ones.

I feel I managed to get some of his better traits. He is the type of man who will give you the clothes off his back. He used to have his own business repairing electronics and he was always good and fair to his customers. His people skills have always been through the roof and I like to think I inherited some of that.

My father is also incredibly smart…I like to think I got a little of that too.

He also introduced me to awesome music. Queen, CCR, Boston, Journey…the classics that I still love to this day.

Lastly, my father played an instrumental role in introducing me and my brother’s to God. We said our prayers with him at night. He would read the bible to us after supper. He was and I hope he still is, a firm believer in God and I sincerely hope God is watching over him.

I have to say both my parents play a part in my spiritual beliefs but I always felt like I had an extra bond with my father on that level.

I look at present day and I wonder when I will cross paths with my father again if ever. Perhaps at his funeral? Provided I even know about it. I know it sounds so morbid but when I do manage to talk about my father it’s always in past tense as if he has already passed away…

Fathers, don’t be a distant memory to your children. Don’t leave them with little moments that they will try to hang on to despite all you have put them through. Don’t let your past become your children’s.

I am not trying to take away the impact of a mother’s actions. It happens on both sides of the coin but there is something about a strong father including a father figure that is crucial to the development of a child. If you are a father with a difficult past, choose to rise above it and show your children what it really means to be a father. Be the one who breaks the cycle of abuse and start a new generation of healthy and happy adults…who will show their children the strong and awesome example you laid out for them ❤

Proverbs 20:7

The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him!

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The “What If” Train Stops Here

Hey guys 🙂

I hope you are all doing well. ❤

It’s the wee hours of the morning and I’m at work with some time to kill. I love the night shift. This is my favorite time to write so it’s a nice work/home balance!

I was kind of struggling with a topic to write about earlier ( go figure, nothing but time and I can’t think of  something to write about) but I have finally decided to talk about the “what if” we all dwell on at times and why it’s important to not get stuck on that train.

 

When I look back on my past, I cringe…not as bad as I used to but it still happens. That being said, I don’t regret anything about my past. It’s cliche I know, but my past has shaped me into the person I am today.

The only thing that haunts me at this point is the “what if” that lingers sometimes.

What if I had received my bipolar diagnoses earlier? I most likely would have hurt less people including myself.

I most likely would not have bounced around from job to job, unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, spending money I didn’t have on things I really didn’t need like booze. I probably would have established roots as opposed to moving all over the country.

When I look back I can say “Hey! That wasn’t me!” but at the same time…that ticking time bomb was me.

I try very hard not to use my mental illness as a crutch or excuse for anything but I am finally getting to a point where I can look back and see that a huge part of the chaos and dysfunction that is my past was in fact part of an illness I was not truly aware of at the time.

This doesn’t mean I can simply write off my past actions. I have slowly but surely accepted the role I have played in my past. A hard pill to swallow. Harder than the ones I swallow now haha. I still have things I need to work on but don’t we all?

I was 29 when I received my bipolar diagnoses. I am 33 now and I feel like it’s only now that I am truly starting to live a healthy, stable life. It’s a relief and I am grateful.

But to be totally honest with you, I still have a slight, bitter taste in my mouth over the fact that nearly 30 years of my life was spent in total chaos and destruction. You can’t help but feel a little ripped off in the game of life.

I try not to hang on to that though. I know it’s not healthy. You can’t beat yourself up forever. I believe it’s never too late to be a better person and I have managed to more or less forgive myself for a lot of things. Still working on it.

Given I have only been in the post diagnoses stage for 4 years now, I have to give myself some credit. In the span of 4 years ( going on 5) I have had to relearn how to live a “normal” life. My brain was wired one way and it did nothing but damage. I would say this has only truly leveled out in the last year if you factor in the inital diagnoses, over a year of trial and error with medications, so so therapy and still in the process of weeding out unhealthy relationships at the time.

Fast forward to present day and I think the one thing I am finally ready to do aside from forgiving myself is fully accept the fact that I am mentally ill. When I first found out, I was relieved but you haven’t really accepted your fate at that point. A diagnoses does not solve the years of damage done. Receiving a diagnoses is the tip of the iceberg.

Then the real work begins.

I make a point to live in the moment (it doesn’t always work by the way but I try). I don’t drink like a fish anymore. I have reestablished my faith in God. I have found a wonderful man who offers true love, understanding and strength. I am finally in a position to reciprocate that. So I guess the only “what if” I need to look at now is…

“What if I stop reliving my past?”

There are always two sides of a coin. You can choose to torture yourself  with past mistakes and wonder what if or you can choose to be thankful that you are not your past in this current moment. The past is the past. It can’t hurt you anymore…so what if you choose to rise above it? I believe it’s never too late for that.

The best thing you can do for your well being and the well being of those you care about is to stay present. Forgive yourself. Learn from your past but don’t relive it. If  you do, you will:

  1. Never escape the past
  2. Miss out on the here and now
  3. Sabotage your future

 

It does not have to be like that. Forgive yourself for the damage done. Take comfort and credit for the fact you are standing here today when you could have just given up… Acknowledge and accept the people who truly care for you. They are not judging you for your past….you are…stop that ❤

This process does not happen overnight so be patient and gentle with yourself. None of us are perfect and we all have a sorted past. I am not about to compare who has it worse in life but you get the idea.

Know that you are standing here today for a reason. Perhaps a portion of your life was misguided and painful but while you still take a breath on this earth, make the most of it. Don’t let the past follow you around and creep into the progress you have made today. If you dig deep enough you will always find progress…in fact simply making the effort to acknowledge progress…is progress 🙂

The best tip I can give you is to take inventory everyday of the good in your life. The tiniest amount of good will do. It adds up and eventually overpowers the negative. So far this has been working for me. It helps me pause for a moment and take control.

If you believe in God. Pray…pray all the time ❤

If you’re reading this and you can relate just know I feel you and I am rooting for you. ❤

I hope you will do the same for me 🙂 ❤

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

 

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stomp Out Workplace Drama

 

Dear Employees and especially Management,

You might want to read this…

One thing I know for sure. Regardless of whether or not you live with a mental illness of any kind, life has a way of piling stress on you and it always will.

An area of life stress I would like to touch on today is stress in the workplace. This to me is hands down the biggest source of stress for many people.

Every job I have ever had has always consisted of some sort of drama. I have noted over the years that many times this drama gets swept under the rug by management and rarely if ever gets addressed head on.

Why is that?

I think the factors that play into this kind of avoidance is many but I am here to tell you…protect your mental health at all costs. No job is worth compromising your mental health.

I hear you…I’m sure you are saying..”Easier said than done Cavelle. I have a family and bills that need to get paid. I can’t just not work.”

I get that. I really do.

However, this post is not about telling you to quit your job. This post is addressed to people of management positions in particular because at the end of the day, whether you see this “drama” as valid or not, it is still your job to make sure things don’t get out of hand and ultimately create a toxic environment for all involved. Including you.

Especially you, in fact.

It is my belief that if you want to get the most out of your employees, the social dynamic needs to come first before anything else. It needs to be healthy and strong. People are human first and employees second. When people feel management is there for them, guess what? Employees are more likely to be there for management.

Am I trying to say you should be a full time therapist to your employees. Not at all. In fact you can avoid big long drawn out cry fests in your office by simply being present everyday. Don’t hide in your office all day. Make your team aware that you are around. It shows you care and it prevents people from starting gossip and honestly BS in general.

“But I honestly don’t care. This is petty stuff. I shouldn’t have to hear about it. People should be adults and work things out themselves.”

True. In a perfect world.

Did I mention this world is far from perfect?

As management, if you choose to brush off what seems trivial, I can assure you that the trivial stuff you are ignoring will come back to haunt you in a big way.

Also, if you don’t care that’s fine but for the sake of the workplace at least pretend to care. In most cases all people want is validation. Who doesn’t want to feel validated?

If you don’t care and it shows, if you choose to leave your employees to their own devices you are only adding to the problem. You are not separate from your employees. Healthy management is very much intertwined into the social dynamic of the workplace.

When I say social dynamic, I am not asking you to be a doormat and everyone’s friend. That won’t work. What I am saying is, if there is drama in your workplace, take care of it immediately. Just because you ignore it does not mean it goes away.

If you want the respect of your employees then don’t disrespect them by brushing them off. It may not seem like a big deal to you but remember it’s a big deal to them so take it seriously.

The minute something is remotely going down make a point to be proactive and face it head on. If it truly is trivial you have even more reason to address it because you need to make it clear to the people involved that this sort of thing will not be tolerated from either one of them.

Period.

This conversation takes all of what? Fives minutes? Do you not have five minutes of your time to put out a small flame? Why let it turn into a forest fire? This makes no sense to me.

If I had a dream job at this point in time, I would travel to workplaces all over and fix the backwards thinking most companies have towards the little guy. Your employees, your front line, they determine where your business goes. As management you are responsible for the well being of the business which means you better take care of your front line. Without them…there is no need for you…

Look at it from a customer service standpoint. Your employees are told the customer comes first but when do your employees come first? If you don’t understand this concept…perhaps you’re in the wrong position.

Management does not mean “Not my monkeys” You run the show. You took on those monkeys willingly so feed them everyday.

Nobody likes a hungry monkey 😉

 

Take Care and God Bless ❤

Cavelle