Dear Love – An Open Letter To You

Dear Hun, (aka love of my life)

Just over a year ago, my brother introduced us. I didn’t know it right in that moment but I shook hands with my future husband, the person that I thought only existed in my dreams.

Then, one day, when the storm that I broke from cleared, there you were just being your awesome self and I quickly realized “This guy is the real deal” a male version of myself.

Realizing how much I loved you in that moment also made me realize that maybe, just maybe, I loved myself too for basically the first time ever.

Before you came along, I used to joke with people that I could never date someone like me, as a way to justify the fact that I was in relationships where being myself was an afterthought at best.

Being myself was a “bad” thing.

I forfeited my identity, the things that made me an individual to try and mold myself into what past boyfriends wanted me to be and it was never enough…ever.

But one day, I put my foot down..hard. I hit the ground running. It was terrifying and liberating all at the same time…I was ready to take life into my own hands…

Alone.

Funny how as soon as I did that, you just sort of fell into my lap. Best and worst timing ever lol.

It was like God was giving me a big hug, like a father proud of his child for doing the right thing and in turn he gifted me with you.

I think God had you in his back pocket the whole time, he was just waiting for me to wake up so that He could bless me with the best gift I could ever ask for. ❤

We have both been through so much. We both had baggage when we met and usually that would mean trouble, but in this case, we came together and helped each other to heal the wounds from our past because we both knew we had beautiful diamonds in the rough just waiting to shine, we understood each other’s pain and because we’re both so awesome, we got down to work and started chipping away at the walls we had built.

Now, like a sparkling diamond, we’re stronger than ever.

You are my best friend and I don’t think you understand just how much that means to me. We’re so connected. We know when to push and when to back off. We work through the tough times as a team.

We’re resilient. ❤

You give me the freedom to be me. I am still working on figuring out who I truly am and you support me on the journey and encourage me in the process. You make me want to be a better person everyday.

I used to feel like I was nothing more than some “crazy b*tch” (I was in fact told as much, more than once in the past along with various other derogatory statements.)

In my last relationship, I was apparently  suppose to “get over” the struggles I had with mental illness…no support, just criticism as if I should be able to just turn bipolar disorder off…

But you…you let me cry and work through the pain, you make me laugh, you make me smile, I am even allowed to be grumpy and you respect my space…that’s a big one as I was never allowed to have that before. You don’t take the need for space personally. You understand my need to recharge and process my thoughts. You also know when to give me a nudge when I have been in “hermit mode” for too long.

I am so grateful for that. ❤

You don’t push me into a corner and try to trigger me just so you can point the finger and make things my fault so that you can remain a control freak.

You make me an equal. ❤

You encourage me…you make it alright to be a big giant nerd because…well…you’re a big giant nerd 😉

You’re not threatened by the fact that I am smart. I don’t have to dumb myself down for you. We have in depth, intelligent conversations…do you have any idea what a breath of fresh air that is?! To be allowed to use my brain without coming off as some sort of threat to you?

What a difference it is to be with a real man ❤

Because you are there for me in ways I never imagined possible, it allows me to be there for you the way I had always hoped to be in a relationship.

We both have our moments where we don’t feel good enough for the other…that is just the past talking as it does sometimes but the voice of the past is fading more and more each day that we’re together.

Don’t ever say “You deserve better than me.” because you, my dear, are in fact the better I deserve ❤ I have waited for you for what seems like a lifetime and it’s been well worth the wait.

You know what else I love about you? Other people love you. I don’t feel like I have to “explain” you to people in order for them to understand what I see in you or flat out lie about our relationship to make it sound amazing to people when it isn’t.

You’re such a good soul and people see that in you right away. When I am with you I am proud. My parents and family love you so I know I got it right this time lol

People are genuinely happy for us because it’s so obvious how much we’re truly happy with each other. W truly are good and healthy for each other.

The people that matter most to me don’t simply “tolerate” you for my sake while secretly hoping I will come to my senses and leave you.

Oh and did I mention your amazing work ethic? Nothing is more attractive to me than a smart man who sets their work ethic bar high. I take pride in doing a good job, being reliable and a strong worker. I enjoy being a good example and so do you. You’re not lazy. You won’t lower the bar just to appease a lazy person.

I’m not high maintenance, you know this about me and by work ethic I am not talking about the money…it’s the principle.

You will do what needs to be done to maintain security in our home without a second thought. You don’t leave me hanging and force me to be “the provider” which you know hands down I can do and have done in past relationships. I will also do what needs to be done to keep security in our home but you don’t sit back and expect it.

You care about taking care of me and putting my mind at ease making it effortless for me to support you in the ways that you truly need.

You are my king and as your queen, I am more than happy to stand by your side and let you wear your much deserved crown. ❤

Know that I will always support you in this way. I want nothing but the best for you. I want to show you that the women from your past, the ones who have stomped all over your heart and wallet for that matter…That’s over and it’s totally their loss and my gain.

In the end, all of that, your past…my past, it ultimately brought us together. The rest no longer matters and for the others? What goes around truly comes back around.

I will always have your back. Anyone stupid enough to mess with you from here on in,  now has to answer to me and trust me when I say, for you, I will eat those people alive. You’re worth protecting and fighting for. You would and have, done the same for me. ❤

In closing, I only ask one thing of you.

Keep being you. You are truly a beautiful person. A rare find in this world and that is worth more to me than anything else ❤

I love you ❤

Cavelle

xoxoxoxox

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Little Things

Hey guys 🙂

Today, I feel the need to take a personal inventory of what’s good in my life. Things are not bad right now, I simply just want to add to what’s already good. I like to build up those reserves for when the next storm hits. I prefer to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

So what do I have to be grateful for? Well, a lot actually. The last year has blessed me more than my 33 years of existence.

For starters, just over a year ago I finally put an end to an unhealthy relationship (there were others just as unhealthy prior to). This required a lot of inner strength that I didn’t think I had.

I was living on one side of the country and picked up and left for home on the other side of the country. It wasn’t planned, it just happened.

One day after a minor argument, my finance at the time went out. I don’t know what happened, it’s not like it was some blowout fight but for some reason in that moment there was an overwhelming fight or flight response. By the time he came home I had booked a plane ticket (I chose flight) and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I knew that if I didn’t follow through this time, it was going to be a long time before I had the guts to try again.

God was surely with me that day.

Needless to say I am grateful for that moment because as soon as I moved home my brother introduced me to his friend. My brother’s friend is now my fiance. This all happened quite quickly. I had no intention of finding love after what I had just left but isn’t that always the way?

I found out a little later my brother was playing the role of matchmaker. He knows my struggles well…especially in relationships and so I am glad he sneaked in there and helped me to find a good apple this time. 🙂

To finally be in a healthy, truly loving relationship is something I almost gave up on but when I was ready to let all of that go, God blessed me for it.

So yeah that’s what kick started a healthy, consistent, loving environment which I had been lacking for a very long time. It was scary at first. I wasn’t used to this healthy stuff and wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it lol but over time I embraced it and I continue to hang on to it with everything I got because I will never allow someone to take that from me again…including me! Gone are the days of self sabotage and you are talking to the former queen of it but I have since hung up my crown lol someone else can have it.

So yes moving on to present day, what do I currently have to be grateful for? Let me count the ways :

  1. God
  2. My wonderful soon to be husband
  3. My family/friends of course ❤
  4. A roof over my head, food, gas…you know the everyday stuff
  5. Did I mention the bills are paid? Take that bills! (for now lol)
  6. The cats<3. Truthfully I should have just included them in #3
  7. The church. Great pastor and wonderful people
  8. My job (there’s a first) love my job!
  9. Good neighbors and a great landlord.
  10. Country living…oh how I have missed home after 10 years of city living.
  11. Being the cool aunt. My fiance and I are fine without children personally but my nieces and nephews? Yeah don’t mess with them because you will see this aunt go from zero to mother hen in an instant.
  12. Standing up for myself (it’s been a slow process but it’s getting easier…almost fun! lol)
  13. My ability to express myself through writing.
  14. Giving myself credit (again, long overdue)
  15. Knowing I have a best friend in my partner. He truly is my best friend ❤
  16. A sense of humor. Although sometimes dark, my sense of humor has helped me survive a lot of crap.
  17. Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Yes you read that right. If I had never reached a place where I was aware of my disorder I would still be out there drowning in a dark sea. I believe knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle. Now that I know better I do better…I know, a string of cliches there but it’s all true.
  18. Being able to see the silver lining in just about everything. I will never let go of that. It holds a lot of power and gives me a sense of control. You can let stuff bring you down or you can counterattack with a list just like this.
  19. Patience. I always have that in my back pocket.
  20. Resilience. I can say this with confidence about myself and my family….we always get back up…always. We have God to thank for that and no matter what is going down in my life, God makes sure I can reach his hand. Even if he has to drag me along, as long as my hand is out he will take it ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

Cavelle

 

 

 

 

 

The Bright Side Of Bipolar Disorder

Hey guys 🙂

 

I imagine some of you are wondering what could be good about having bipolar disorder but I promise you it’s not all doom and gloom.

Today, I want to point out the silver lining.

Please note that it is not my goal to minimize the struggles of bipolar disorder and some of you are not going to relate to my positive points depending where you are on your personal journey but take note that this post is based on positives I have found in relation to my own bipolar disorder.

So without further adieu, here are the positives I have managed to take away from having bipolar disorder.

Resilience:

It’s safe to say that mental illness is not an easy road to navigate however, I choose to give myself credit for the fact that despite the landmines I have walked through in my life, I’m still standing.

Everyone has struggles in life mentally ill or not but when you take even the average BS life can dish out, throw mental illness into the mix and you have to work that much harder to rise above it.

I might not always get to where I’m going as quickly as other people but I wear my uphill climb in life as a badge of honor. I have worked hard to get to where I am today and no one can take that away from me.

Go ahead…try 😉

Since finding out I have bipolar disorder, I am actually more self aware than ever before. Although it’s difficult at times, I still manage to put one foot in front of the other. You can knock me down but I will get back up.

The whole “You’ve won the battle but I’ll win the war” kind of thing comes to mind.

Bouncing back does not always mean quickly but regardless, I bounce back and come out stronger than before.

Speaking of which….

Strength:

Nothing will test your strength quite like bipolar disorder. It’s a tricky game in which the rules always seem to be changing. You have to be able to adapt. It’s crucial if you plan to move forward and it requires you to dig deep and that requires a huge amount of mental and emotional strength.

When people use the phrase “Mind over matter” it makes me cringe a little. That’s easy to say when you have a healthy brain that can properly rationalize that thought, but what about when you have a brain that wants to take a sudden left turn when you’re insisting you want to go right?

It’s not fun.

Bipolar disorder is like taking countless detours to reach the same destination as everyone else but for me personally, the detours I have encountered are seen as an opportunity to grow as a person.

Having a proper diagnoses has really helped me to think of it that way because I know more about myself since discovering my mental illness. There is a name attached to the ups and downs now. My past makes more sense than it did before and with that knowledge alone I feel a sense of control and power over my life that I never had prior to my diagnoses.

Knowledge is indeed power.

Empathy:

I feel empathy comes to me quite naturally but I have to give partial credit to the fact I have bipolar disorder. I believe that people who live with a mental illness in general are the more capable of showing empathy in ways the average person can’t.

That being said, not all mental illnesses are created equal and there are in fact mental disorders that exist in which people cannot feel empathy for others at all but as I stated earlier, I am talking about my personal experience.

Given the circumstances, I love the fact I have found my voice. I am not afraid to go to deep, uncomfortable places with people and even myself…still working on myself…always a work in progress.

I don’t judge others right away (most of the time) because I can appreciate what it’s like to go through difficult times. I know what it’s like to feel like you have to hide certain things about yourself because you feel ashamed and I also know how hard, yet liberating it is to break through that barrier and I truly desire that liberation for others.

Super Hero Powers:

Bipolar disorder can be a real challenge when it comes to staying consistent but I can safely say if you happen to catch me during a manic phase, anything you can do I can do better! 😉

OK, that might be a tad arrogant of me but one advantage of having bipolar disorder in particular, is having that manic spurt that gives you the ability to shine like no other.

Although it can be dangerous to push the manic phase too hard, ( many people feel they can get away with no medication during this time…trust me…you can’t) the mild form of it can give you the energy to multitask circles around people.

You can function on 3 hours sleep, you’re the life of the party, you see the bigger picture and are psyched to just conquer life and own it.

Your creativity goes through the roof, and confidence? You bet your butt I have it in spades during that time. When it’s good, it’s really good.

Psychologist In The Making:

I am willing to bet that those of you who live with a mental illness will relate to this…

Before your diagnoses, you took countless quizzes, tests etc in order to diagnose yourself in some way. To find a sense of self. A place to fit in. Everything but go to an actual doctor ha ha.

The bright side? Before and even after a diagnoses, you know more about the human condition than most. Sure, you don’t have a masters in psychology, but you’re well versed on the subject which gives you an edge. It has helped me to read people more accurately and appreciate the human mind and how complex it is. I find the subject of psychology fascinating and consider it a valuable tool in the game of life.

Advocate:

No longer do I feel like a victim. I can take the hardships that come with bipolar disorder and use that to advocate and empower others. It allows for connections I would not have made otherwise.

I feel like I am part of the solution now instead of always being part of the problem. I can lend a voice and spark a conversation despite the stigma that’s still out there and touch someone who might be in need of support at the time. For me, that is an awesome feeling. ❤

In closing, life is truly what you make it whether you have a mental illness or not. The key is to never give up. Own who you are flaws and all and you will find people are more inclined to accept you…flaws and all.

Stay honest with yourself and others. Face your challenges and fears head on because in my opinion there is a certain beauty in that kind of pain. Pain forces change, growth and the power to rise above seemingly impossible odds.

I love and root for the underdog because their victory is that much sweeter. An underdog doesn’t squander the good things in life because they understand what a precious gift it is.

That is truly beautiful. You are beautiful. ❤

 

Take Care & God Bless ❤

 

Cavelle